There
is no point in escaping the earth ...
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"[...] there is no point in escaping the earth and its teachings [...] I now
know that a contract signed with oneself is lived to the end and that
there are always solutions. Behind the greatest despair, there is
always a solution that can only appear when the void is total. When
we abandon our masks, whatever they are, everything becomes possible [...] "
- Extract from Anne
GIVAUDAN's french book -
"The
breach of contract"
Beyond
mourning
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Beyond mourning is sadness. Anger and guilt are not pure emotions; they have an important cognitive component, linked to the attribution of fault - "What if I had been there? What if I had done this?". These are defense mechanisms put in place by the mind so as not to experience something deeper. When sadness is treated, anger and guilt disappear.
- Extract from the
article "The guest Allan BOTKIN -
Beyond mourning" - L'INREES
magazine - INEXPLORE n ° 39 -
This
cry that never falls asleep ...
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And sometimes
Like
the granite block:
The
silence !
No
quivering,
No
voice,
No
hand,
Only
the deep certainty of anger
And
anxiety.
This
cold in the chest.
And
then sometimes,
Sometimes,
This
infinitely sad look
Where
nostalgia emerges
Brutal,
This
cry
Who
never falls asleep ...
- Marie-Célie
AGNANT -
THE
SUICIDE
(from the french book by Doctor Christophe FAURE
"After the suicide of a loved one. Go through mourning and rebuild yourself")
(Éditions Albin Michel - 2009 - ISBN 978-2-226-16940-2)
(from the french book by Doctor Christophe FAURE
"After the suicide of a loved one. Go through mourning and rebuild yourself")
(Éditions Albin Michel - 2009 - ISBN 978-2-226-16940-2)
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[...] Since then it's
chaos.
What to say ? How to name the inexpressible?
No word seems strong enough to describe emptiness, distress, helplessness [...]
What to say ? How to name the inexpressible?
No word seems strong enough to describe emptiness, distress, helplessness [...]
And how
can you find, day after day, even the strength to get up and go about
the derisory activities of everyday life?
What reasons can we give for continuing to move forward, when suddenly everything becomes absurd?
Is it even possible to imagine reconstructing a semblance of existence, when its foundations collapse so radically?
What reasons can we give for continuing to move forward, when suddenly everything becomes absurd?
Is it even possible to imagine reconstructing a semblance of existence, when its foundations collapse so radically?
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Yes,
maybe one day you will be able to go beyond this nightmare (at least
that is what people keep telling you), but the task seems so
difficult today that you can only doubt that such an outcome is
possible.
In the depths of your being, you wonder: how can I live [...] how can I survive the suicide of my companion, my parent, my child?
In the depths of your being, you wonder: how can I live [...] how can I survive the suicide of my companion, my parent, my child?
[...] So much suffering that is lived in silence.
So many questions that remain buried inside of you, under the weight of guilt, anger or despair.
So much helplessness also on the part of those who try to help them, because they cannot really understand what is happening to them.
So many questions that remain buried inside of you, under the weight of guilt, anger or despair.
So much helplessness also on the part of those who try to help them, because they cannot really understand what is happening to them.
[...] When we experience such a drama, we need to receive help from people
who have been there: they "know"; they understand [...]
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There
is nothing unusual about what you are currently experiencing; there
is a logic, and even a certain coherence, in what seems to you today
to be only a disorderly stream of suffering.
Rest assured that you are not losing your mind, even if what you are feeling today is unlike anything you have known before and those around you do not know how to go about it with you.
Other people, completely healthy in body and mind, are experiencing the same things as you are. They name their suffering with the same words as you.
Just like you, they believe they are going crazy and that no one - really no one - can ever understand them. Know it: you are not alone [...]
Rest assured that you are not losing your mind, even if what you are feeling today is unlike anything you have known before and those around you do not know how to go about it with you.
Other people, completely healthy in body and mind, are experiencing the same things as you are. They name their suffering with the same words as you.
Just like you, they believe they are going crazy and that no one - really no one - can ever understand them. Know it: you are not alone [...]
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Finally,
for those who think about suicide for themselves and who wonder about
the future of their loved ones, after their act.
Know that your potential suicide will always - and forever - be a tragedy for your loved ones. They will remain hurt by your gesture. If you are thinking of ending your life, do not go without help, even if you are sure that nothing can help you.
Know that your potential suicide will always - and forever - be a tragedy for your loved ones. They will remain hurt by your gesture. If you are thinking of ending your life, do not go without help, even if you are sure that nothing can help you.
As
a mother said after the suicide of her son:
"It
may have been a relief for him, but for us,
it was the beginning of
hell! "
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THE
MOURNING PROCESS : Putting Pain into Words.
"The
grieving process" is the direct and inevitable confrontation
with suffering. It is an essential process of psychic healing.
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We are
not talking about "forgetting" or "absolution"
here, we are talking about a normal, natural and beneficial process
which escapes your will but which needs to be accompanied if you do
not want to suffer more than you don't already suffer.
The objective is to help you delimit the territory where suicide has precipitated you. It is a way of knowing it better, of better understanding it, of better circumscribing it too. Even if there is no way to "short-circuit" the pain, it is easier to fight when you have identified both "the enemy" and the terrain on which to fight.
It always follows a little clarity in the confusion, a little coherence and calm in the suffering. It is all acquired to enable you to find day after day, the courage to move forward and the strength to tame absence.
MOURNING
UNLIKE ANY OTHER
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Despite
the similar circumstances, namely the suicide of a loved one, it is
the uniqueness and the complexity of each situation that are
reflected in the stories of each.
Each one is unique - and alone - in the specificity of its history. And yet, all find themselves on the same point, it is the observation that "what we are experiencing is like nothing else [...] it is not a mourning like the others".
There
is no hierarchy in suffering. The loss of a loved one generates
unbearable pain, whatever the nature of the death BUT ... loosing
someone you love by suicide is not just loosing a loved one. It is
much larger and more confronting than a bereavement following, for
example, a death after a long illness.
Other
parameters intervene, parameters that we do not find in other
circumstances, however violent or unexpected they may be [...] horror
rubs shoulders with the absurd, following despair, guilt,
incomprehension, to anger [...] Emotions, which, despite modesty and
dignity can only be killed outside.
The
traumatic process: as
soon as it is discovered, suicide creates, in loved ones, a state of
acute stress: they are flattened on the ground in shock, unable to
give any meaning to the event.
The consequences of this acute stress can be worrying in the long term. It is, indeed, essential to understand that it is not only a process of mourning which is initiated through the sudden loss of the loved one; another psychic dynamic sets off in parallel. It is called a traumatic process.
The consequences of this acute stress can be worrying in the long term. It is, indeed, essential to understand that it is not only a process of mourning which is initiated through the sudden loss of the loved one; another psychic dynamic sets off in parallel. It is called a traumatic process.
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Unlike
the grieving process, it is very often overlooked or ignored, even
though it is capable of major interference in the experience of
mourning.
[...] Usually, a process of "mental healing" takes place automatically, like the body which knows how to spontaneously repair physical wounds.
If the majority of people exposed to traumatic situations meet, quite normally, psychological difficulties of varying intensity in the immediate aftermath of the events, many of them see, despite everything, a significant improvement in their symptoms in the months which follow, thanks to this natural process of mental healing.
Others, need more time to find a satisfactory internal balance.
Some, on the other hand, do not succeed and can only recover thanks to outside help. What's going on with them?
[...] Usually, a process of "mental healing" takes place automatically, like the body which knows how to spontaneously repair physical wounds.
If the majority of people exposed to traumatic situations meet, quite normally, psychological difficulties of varying intensity in the immediate aftermath of the events, many of them see, despite everything, a significant improvement in their symptoms in the months which follow, thanks to this natural process of mental healing.
Others, need more time to find a satisfactory internal balance.
Some, on the other hand, do not succeed and can only recover thanks to outside help. What's going on with them?
-
Traumatic sequelae:
once the initial shock has passed, it develops,
in some people, what is called Post-traumatic
Stress.
This post-traumatic stress can also be found in people who are powerless witnesses to someone else's sudden death, so this is the case for the suicide of a loved one. So, it is said that the person most exposed to the risk of this stress is the one who discovers the body (or the dying person), in most often tragic conditions, and with a risk all the higher as this discovery is completely fortuitous, taking the witness by surprise.
This post-traumatic stress can also be found in people who are powerless witnesses to someone else's sudden death, so this is the case for the suicide of a loved one. So, it is said that the person most exposed to the risk of this stress is the one who discovers the body (or the dying person), in most often tragic conditions, and with a risk all the higher as this discovery is completely fortuitous, taking the witness by surprise.
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Post
traumatic stress is primarily characterized by the reactivation of
the initial trauma, in the form of intrusive images or nightmares.
These memories suddenly burst into consciousness, unexpectedly,
uncontrollable, shocking and very destabilizing.
These
flashbacks infiltrate and invade the activities of daily life,
sometimes to the point of disrupting their course. These images, of
varying intensity depending on the person, are accompanied by painful
emotions that grab attention, parasitizing intellectual efforts such
as concentration or memorization. They are sometimes so powerful that
the person really has the impression of seeing the events unfold,
again and again, before his eyes, especially when falling asleep.
Avoidance
attitudes (of anything related to the trauma) may
arise.
Externally, we try to preserve ourselves, by avoiding places or circumstances that might reactivate the memory of the initial event.
Internally, we protect ourselves - unconsciously - by what we call "dissociation". This term translates an inner distancing from the event from which one cuts oneself so as not to be overwhelmed by its violence: it is experienced as a kind of emotional anesthesia where all affect is absent or very dull.
This emotional distancing sometimes affects relationships with others when it extends over time: mourning, in itself, already leading to isolation from others, post-traumatic stress can unfortunately reinforce this tendency.
Some people even come to avoid too close or too emotional contact with others, with the impression of being disconnected from the world, from others and from themselves.
Finally, there can be a lasting loss of interest and / or withdrawal from activities that were previously sources of pleasure.
Externally, we try to preserve ourselves, by avoiding places or circumstances that might reactivate the memory of the initial event.
Internally, we protect ourselves - unconsciously - by what we call "dissociation". This term translates an inner distancing from the event from which one cuts oneself so as not to be overwhelmed by its violence: it is experienced as a kind of emotional anesthesia where all affect is absent or very dull.
This emotional distancing sometimes affects relationships with others when it extends over time: mourning, in itself, already leading to isolation from others, post-traumatic stress can unfortunately reinforce this tendency.
Some people even come to avoid too close or too emotional contact with others, with the impression of being disconnected from the world, from others and from themselves.
Finally, there can be a lasting loss of interest and / or withdrawal from activities that were previously sources of pleasure.
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A
state of hypervigilance
also characterizes post-traumatic stress. You are constantly on
alert, under tension, as if on the lookout, and, again, this exposes
you to a drop in intellectual performance, to sleep disorders, to an
inability to relax.
The mental fatigue induced by this state of chronic stress can thus lead to irritability, impatience and / or aggressiveness (possibly towards relatives who nevertheless try to do their best to be caregivers).
This chronic stress is said to reflect an interior state where the traumatized person anticipates and fears the occurrence of a new disaster.
The mental fatigue induced by this state of chronic stress can thus lead to irritability, impatience and / or aggressiveness (possibly towards relatives who nevertheless try to do their best to be caregivers).
This chronic stress is said to reflect an interior state where the traumatized person anticipates and fears the occurrence of a new disaster.
Anxiety
and fear
are natural responses to a dangerous situation. But in post-traumatic
stress, they persist long after the end of the traumatic experience.
As some people say after several years, "part of me stayed
there".Many
interior landmarks have been shattered;
the world ceases to be a place of security and predictability:
anything can happen and we have just experienced it.
The smallest detail related to the disaster can reactivate this basic anxiety violently. This anxiety is sometimes associated with a feeling of helplessness and loss of control of one's life.
The smallest detail related to the disaster can reactivate this basic anxiety violently. This anxiety is sometimes associated with a feeling of helplessness and loss of control of one's life.
Finally,
we very often find a depressive experience in post-traumatic stress,
especially since it accompanies the grieving process, which includes,
by itself, and quite normally, depressive time.
It can easily be confused with a simple manifestation of mourning, when it is expressed only in the guise of depression.
It can easily be confused with a simple manifestation of mourning, when it is expressed only in the guise of depression.
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It
is important to remember that we only talk about post-traumatic
stress if these symptoms persist over the months or years, without
significant improvement.
It is equally important to remember that not everyone in mourning after suicide systematically develops post-traumatic stress. Many people find in them the means to assimilate and "metabolize" the trauma without post-trauma stress taking hold.
It is equally important to remember that not everyone in mourning after suicide systematically develops post-traumatic stress. Many people find in them the means to assimilate and "metabolize" the trauma without post-trauma stress taking hold.
Finally,
to be complete, you should know that some people show signs of
post-traumatic stress, even if they were not present at the site of
the trauma. The force of the psychic shock is such that they can have
mental images and / or emotions comparable to people who have
experienced the scene live.
-
Management of
post-traumatic stress:
the criteria which have just been
indicated and which define post-traumatic stress are only
indications; a professional should be called to confirm this
diagnosis.
This is an important step because we know that a post-traumatic stress disorder does not heal on its own. It requires specific care.
This is an important step because we know that a post-traumatic stress disorder does not heal on its own. It requires specific care.
-
Beyond the trauma:
It is not only the trauma to account for the
specificity of bereavement after suicide. Other elements come into
play.
Indeed, this mourning is the only situation where we mourn the death of a person who is the very cause of his death. It is a "deliberate" death in the restricted sense where the person actively created the conditions which led to death.
It is largely around this observation that the suffering of loved ones revolves and an infinity of questions arise from it.
Indeed, this mourning is the only situation where we mourn the death of a person who is the very cause of his death. It is a "deliberate" death in the restricted sense where the person actively created the conditions which led to death.
It is largely around this observation that the suffering of loved ones revolves and an infinity of questions arise from it.
PERSONAL STAKES
- Find meaning in the suicidal act:
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Isn't there deep inside you an intimate conviction that things could have been, or should have been, different?
This conviction remains, in some, ineradicable, despite the antecedents of the missing person, whether it is depression, psychosis, personality disorders or despite all the circumstances recognized as favoring the passage to the suicidal act such as the occurrence of an incurable disease or financial or professional ruin.
This conviction remains, in some, ineradicable, despite the antecedents of the missing person, whether it is depression, psychosis, personality disorders or despite all the circumstances recognized as favoring the passage to the suicidal act such as the occurrence of an incurable disease or financial or professional ruin.
The basic conviction nevertheless remains that this death could, in one way or another, be prevented and that we were unable to make a difference: what did I not see? What did I not understand? These questions are the starting point for research that other grieving people do not need to undertake.
- Confronting emotions:
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Guilt is everywhere, followed shortly by anger at oneself or at others; there is also shame, despair, fear or the feeling of insecurity, but also sometimes ambivalence or relief.
In fact, emotions are the very texture of grief, whatever its nature, but when it follows suicide, they take on a extent and intensity that is rarely encountered elsewhere.
Identifying them and confronting them is a major step in grieving.
- Preserve self-esteem:
The suicide of a loved one causes an inner wound that deeply affects the way we look at ourselves. Nowhere is such a powerful assault on self-esteem found.
Other bereavements do not generate as many doubts about who we are, as a person, about the value of what we give or share with others, our ability to love and to establish meaningful relationships.
The suicide of a loved one causes an inner wound that deeply affects the way we look at ourselves. Nowhere is such a powerful assault on self-esteem found.
Other bereavements do not generate as many doubts about who we are, as a person, about the value of what we give or share with others, our ability to love and to establish meaningful relationships.
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This wound has the capacity to question what one believed to be gained forever. Anxiety emerges in some people, such as, for example, that of not being able to love or be loved in the future. Others are weakened to the point of no longer daring to attach themselves, for fear of suffering again, if things should turn out badly.
Hit hard, we feel rejected, abandoned. In the extreme, this results in a feeling of unworthiness which can constitute a potential obstacle to the help of others: we think we do not deserve it and we put ourselves in a position of not being able to receive it. This is an insidious process of self-exclusion that creeps into the minds of many people who mourn after suicide. Persuaded that they are judged or even condemned, they tend to unconsciously withdraw into themselves, thus reinforcing their conviction that they no longer belong to this world.
We must be aware of these risks and understand how essential it is to work actively to restore a softer and more benevolent outlook.
RELATIONAL STAKES
Whether we like it or not, the relationship with others changes after the suicide of a loved one and this is a new difference compared to other types of grief.
- Fight against the experience of exclusion
Suicide is taintes by religious prohibitions and social taboos that still persist in people's minds today ... We see that in our society there are few reliable benchmarks on the right way to behave with someone affected by the suicide of a loved one. There is no precise framework: those around them manage as best they can, not knowing what to say or what to do: some, moreover, flee to avoid any exchange! This often results in uneasiness in the relationship with others, an embarrassment that can be interpreted by the grieving person as judgment or rejection. It sometimes happens that it finds itself caught as a scapegoat by a hostile entourage.
Suicide is taintes by religious prohibitions and social taboos that still persist in people's minds today ... We see that in our society there are few reliable benchmarks on the right way to behave with someone affected by the suicide of a loved one. There is no precise framework: those around them manage as best they can, not knowing what to say or what to do: some, moreover, flee to avoid any exchange! This often results in uneasiness in the relationship with others, an embarrassment that can be interpreted by the grieving person as judgment or rejection. It sometimes happens that it finds itself caught as a scapegoat by a hostile entourage.
- Cushion the impact of suicide within the family
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[...] All changes are possible within a family in which a member has committed suicide; this ranges from the explosion of the family unit to a deep and lasting tightening of ties. Suicide introduces sizeable stakes that do not arise elsewhere: how are we going to talk as a family about this suicide that has developed within it without even realizing it?
How to resist the temptation of denial or silence, a conspiracy of the unspoken which carries with it the risk of fabricating family secrets from scratch?
How each will cushion the explicit or implicit accusations of other family members about the responsibility of each other [...]
- Face up to others
When announcing someone's death, asking for the cause of death is a common reaction. This question is not usually a problem, except when it comes to suicide. We are much more reluctant to talk about it because we fear embarrassed silences, unhappy words, or even the judgment of others.
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[...] We see that, in suicide, those around them tend to focus on the suicidal act and its reasons, even allowing value judgments or personal opinions (unsolicited ...) on its merits. The grieving loved one can sometimes even find himself in the absurd situation where he feels obliged to explain, argue, justify, and even be "forgiven" for the suicide act!
[...] The challenge is not to let yourself be locked in silence and learn to talk about suicide as you want and when you want. One must exercise good judgment and allow oneself the freedom to speak or not about suicide, while remaining in agreement with oneself.
The grieving process: a healing process
Beyond its traumatic dimension, mourning after a suicide remains mourning. It is therefore essential to understand how it works because it is what will condition your daily life in the months and years to come.
Suicide is a violent, unexpected trauma; it takes you by surprise. Two possibilities are open to you in the face of this grief.
Beyond its traumatic dimension, mourning after a suicide remains mourning. It is therefore essential to understand how it works because it is what will condition your daily life in the months and years to come.
Suicide is a violent, unexpected trauma; it takes you by surprise. Two possibilities are open to you in the face of this grief.
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Either you decide to suppress the pain with taking powerful drugs so as not to hurt. You tell yourself that over time, things will get better by themselves [...] But even if you do not take into account this injury today, it still exists and not take it into account mortgage the future [...]
Another solution is available to you: faced with this sudden injury, you decide to actively support the healing process. It is a decision that you make in all conscience, when faced with a situation that you did not choose. [...] Of course, it will always bear the traces of the initial injury (this is something that you will no longer be able to erase from your history) but its consequences in the long term will be much less serious than if you had neglected it.
In the first case, you hope that over time everything will return to normal. This is a big risk because, whether you like it or not, a "psychic healing process" will begin after the trauma of the loss; this spontaneous healing movement is independent of your will and, if you do not accompany it, it will proceed as best it can with possible unfavorable consequences for the future.
In the second case, it will not alleviate the pain of the process (although [...]) but you choose to support it so that, in the long term, it integrates as harmoniously as possible into your life: this work that you decide to undertake is what is called "grieving work".
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So, to be clearer, there is on the one hand, the mourning process which takes place on its own, naturally after each trauma, whether it is accompanied or not, and, on the other, the mourning process which It does not do it all alone but proceeds from a conscious decision to accompany the grieving process and finally to courageously take charge of the course of our life.
To engage in a work of mourning is to refuse to be helpless. This work of mourning will allow you to channel your pain by registering it in something coherent and which has meaning [...]
[...] By this work, you create the conditions to welcome it definitively in you, in this interior place that nothing will be able to call into question, by hence the years. It will be there forever.
[...] By this work, you create the conditions to welcome it definitively in you, in this interior place that nothing will be able to call into question, by hence the years. It will be there forever.
The word "mourning" is scary because it is equated with the forgetting of the loved one. Understand, however, that the opposite is happening! The work of mourning is the guarantee of not forgetting! It is precisely when we do not manage to carry out this work that we create interior obstacles to the return of the loved one.
Also permanently renounce the idea that accepting to go through mourning is a mark of weakness of character. It is absurd not to want to rely only on your "strength of character" to face this suffering and evacuate it with disdain, considering that the emotions of mourning are the lot only of fragile people
and vulnerable. [...] The will has no place in the choice of whether or not to enter a grieving process. It just is. It is a natural phenomenon that requires that we accept to confront the emotions that appear, that we accept to invite in ourselves, with aplomb and authenticity, the distress, anger, fear, guilt that are the essential routes. It is not by giving space to these emotions that we are - or become - someone fragile. Believing that you can dismiss the feeling of mourning with contempt is the worst mistake: there are wounds that you cannot afford the luxury of neglecting.
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and vulnerable. [...] The will has no place in the choice of whether or not to enter a grieving process. It just is. It is a natural phenomenon that requires that we accept to confront the emotions that appear, that we accept to invite in ourselves, with aplomb and authenticity, the distress, anger, fear, guilt that are the essential routes. It is not by giving space to these emotions that we are - or become - someone fragile. Believing that you can dismiss the feeling of mourning with contempt is the worst mistake: there are wounds that you cannot afford the luxury of neglecting.
Finally, it is true that the work of mourning remains something painful to live [...]
[...] Mourning is therefore the guarantor of healing. It is through it, and thanks to it, that we will be able to relearn how to live without the presence of the loved one. Like after a physical injury, it will also leave a scar. It's inevitable. It will be this area of vulnerability that we will always carry within ourselves, throughout our existence. Just as the physical scar can hurt a little from time to time, the mourning scar can also be painful through the years, when the circumstances reactivate the memory [...] The pain is there again, but can be sweet, more tolerable, less violent and it no longer has the devastating intensity of the first years.
- A personal and legitimate experience
We cannot reduce the experience of mourning to the only suffering of having lost someone we love. It's much bigger, it's much vaster.
Indeed, all the dimensions of the being are challenged by this pain which permeates and invades every corner of life. It is first of all a physical experience where the body speaks and screams its pain through an exhaustion that no rest, at the beginning, seems to compensate.
We cannot reduce the experience of mourning to the only suffering of having lost someone we love. It's much bigger, it's much vaster.
Indeed, all the dimensions of the being are challenged by this pain which permeates and invades every corner of life. It is first of all a physical experience where the body speaks and screams its pain through an exhaustion that no rest, at the beginning, seems to compensate.
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It is also a psychological state that frightens by its intensity: a flood of thoughts and feelings mobilizes the mind for a time that seems interminable, to the point that one wonders if we will ever manage to live otherwise than in this emotional straitjacket. . Finally, it is a social and relational event that will profoundly question the relationship with oneself and with others. We quickly realize that there is a gap between what we experience and what others understand; mutual misunderstanding very often results. In addition, we feel ourselves becoming "other", different, but we do not know what we are heading towards and how our relationship to the world will be reorganized. Everything becomes blurry, remains blurry for a long time; the certainties fall, the benchmarks burst and we begins to perceive the magnitude of the task to be carried out.
Hence the capital importance of understanding what is happening. It is not because we "know" that we have less pain. It is because we know that we give another meaning to our suffering and that is a considerable difference. We no longer suffer "empty-handed" we understand that there is an internal coherence in what we are going through.
WHEN EVERYTHING FALL OVER
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- The shock wave
Whatever the circumstances, SHOCK is the first step in a process where you find yourself propelled without being able, at first, to understand what is going on.
This state of shock is in fact an essential psychic protection which is put in place unconsciously in order to prevent the mind from completely blowing up.
It is a natural and necessary reaction that makes it possible to deal with a situation of extreme stress.
So, this very first stage of grief is characterized by a kind of emotional anesthesia. Some people are surprised or worried, not to feel anything, as if they are disconnected from themselves. They feel guilty about not being able to shed the slightest tear sometimes for several days and sometimes particularly on the day of the funeral: it is not because they suddenly turn out to be heartless, but on the contrary because a mechanism protective blocks, emotional expression. This reaction is actually very common and quite normal.
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The duration of this shock phase varies greatly from one person to another. It can range from a few hours to a few days. In the case of suicide, it is not surprising to see it last longer, because of the traumatic component which can slow down the process of psychic integration, but without this being particularly pathological.
The shock is also associated in some people with a complete incredulity when the reality of events: the idea of suicide is, at the beginning, so enormous, so aberrant, so inconceivable that they do not manage to integrate it.
The following of events varies considerably from one situation to another. An infinity of scenarios are possible which are as many individual specificities in the subsequent experience of mourning: the immediate availability, or not, of relatives, the intervention of the rescue more or less rapid, the duration of resuscitation attempts, the possibility of or not, to see the body [...] so many factors that make your own story unique.
However, there are some characteristics of death by suicide that you may find useful to know to better understand, in retrospect, what happened.
- Legal procedures
A special event also occurs after the discovery of the body. Indeed, it should be known that suicide inevitably leads to legal proceedings, this investigation being decided by the public prosecutor. It is impossible to avoid it. Considering the situation, it is clear that this represents an additional trauma for the relatives who, in shock, fail to understand its meaning.
A special event also occurs after the discovery of the body. Indeed, it should be known that suicide inevitably leads to legal proceedings, this investigation being decided by the public prosecutor. It is impossible to avoid it. Considering the situation, it is clear that this represents an additional trauma for the relatives who, in shock, fail to understand its meaning.
The purpose of this investigation is to clarify the causes of death, in order to rule out the possibility of homicide disguised as suicide. Thus, the police who ask to meet relatives are obviously not there to lay charges on anyone. Their role is to collect the most concrete elements and testimonies that will allow a better understanding of the circumstances of the death. This investigation can prove to be very useful and even comforting at times, when there remains a haunting doubt about the exact conditions of the suicide.
Then the body of the deceased person is transferred to a forensic medicine department, where examinations are carried out to confirm the causes and circumstances of the death (autopsy or simple medical examination). Additional answers can be given to relatives who wish, following this examination. It is only in a second step that the body is returned to the family so that they can proceed to the funeral.
- The time of the funeral
After a suicide, the funeral makes it possible to take actions and words which have the function of circumscribing and channeling the pain.
After a suicide, the funeral makes it possible to take actions and words which have the function of circumscribing and channeling the pain.
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The trauma is such that it will take a long time to succeed in fully "integrating" it into oneself, "integrating" meaning here "to achieve full awareness of the reality of death, at first, and suicide. , in a second ".
Indeed, even if we understand intellectually that the person we love is deceased, it is possible that that does not follow emotionally, so much this reality seems "out of frame".
We must take the time to walk internally, mobilizing tools that can help us. Rituals whatever they are, lay or religious, public or solitary, are of this order and have their importance.
We must take the time to walk internally, mobilizing tools that can help us. Rituals whatever they are, lay or religious, public or solitary, are of this order and have their importance.
- Rituals
Rituals help bring some consistency to the chaos that follows suicide. If we give ourselves the time to develop a meeting or a ceremony that really has meaning for us, the funeral of the person can become a space of appeasement, even of reparation, which lays the first foundations of the road to be followed. Bringing people together around you is invaluable.
Rituals help bring some consistency to the chaos that follows suicide. If we give ourselves the time to develop a meeting or a ceremony that really has meaning for us, the funeral of the person can become a space of appeasement, even of reparation, which lays the first foundations of the road to be followed. Bringing people together around you is invaluable.
Rituals are also beneficial for those around them. The funeral not only gives it the opportunity to show our support and affection, despite its inevitable clumsiness, but it also responds to our own need to show our attachment to the deceased. It feels good to see that the people you love also exist in the hearts of those who knew them.
- Say goodbye
Suicide presented you with anaccomplished fact: you could not say goodbye to this person who left you too quickly. Rituals give you the opportunity to say "goodbye" while restoring bond.
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You accomplish it at your own pace
, in your own way, and there's nothing stopping you from repeating it over and over again, for as long as you need to.
Many people say that the suicide has damaged the memory of the deceased, especially because of the violent images that invade the mind and prevent access to happier memories of the past.
The ritual can help to reverse this suffering. Even
if cannot completely erase these images, it is possible to juxtapose a
little peace and beauty, with flowers, music, colors, candles, smells [...] everything that contributes to bring a little harmony.
- Naming suicide
There is also the question of whether or not we talk about suicide during the funeral. For some it is obvious: the question does not even arise, but for others it is not so simple.
According to people who have chosen to explicitly name suicide, this is a positive step because the funeral must be an opportunity to honor all the dimensions of the person who has passed away. Someone's suicide does not resume at their life story.
There is also the question of whether or not we talk about suicide during the funeral. For some it is obvious: the question does not even arise, but for others it is not so simple.
According to people who have chosen to explicitly name suicide, this is a positive step because the funeral must be an opportunity to honor all the dimensions of the person who has passed away. Someone's suicide does not resume at their life story.
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Then, you should know that it is never too late to give yourself the comfort of a ritual, even if the death goes back several years! Part of mourning is timeless and it is possible to do today what we could not - or not wanted - to do in the past.
In terms of rituals and commemorations, anything is possible. Let your imagination run wild: reunite your friends to plant a remembrance tree, organize a concert in your village church [...] The important thing is that it makes sense to you.
In terms of rituals and commemorations, anything is possible. Let your imagination run wild: reunite your friends to plant a remembrance tree, organize a concert in your village church [...] The important thing is that it makes sense to you.
You can proceed to rituals whenever you feel the need, it marks a step in your inner path. Can it also help close something that remains pending on you? It is also an opportunity to revisit the past and measure the progress made [...]
CONTINUE TO LIVE?
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What to do now ? How to continue to live? Sometimes the question does not arise: it just seems impossible the most radical thoughts impose themselves on the mind as the ultimate answer to this too much suffering.
Haven't you, too, thought that there was no other way out than suicide to alleviate your own pain? Know this, it is extremely common.
This desire for death is also one of the characteristics of mourning after suicide: it is known to be a significant risk factor for committing suicide for the relatives who remain.
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So, to continue living, yes, but how? ... We suddenly have the impression of having lost the instructions for a normal life; we are "elsewhere" in another world, a world about which we know nothing and where yet we must learn to locate ourselves, so as not to get lost in it any more.
It is then that, from the depths of the unconscious, takes place, after the initial shock, the second phase of the mourning process. We do not decide. It just happens. Its occurrence is only in the logic of the process of psychic healing and we realize that we have nothing else to do than to follow this inner movement.
This second phase of mourning is what is called "the escape and search phase".
ESCAPE THE SUFFERING
LOOKING FOR THE MISSING PERSON
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During the first months, you have to "hold on", stand up one day at a time; to hold for the children, for the others, for oneself can be; hold so as not to sink.
This simple idea mobilizes the little energy that remains in oneself. And try not to think; certain thoughts must not be allowed to interfere in oneself, the impact and consequences of which we fear: questions about the why of this horror, the unbearable confrontation with possible errors, what we have not seen, not understood, not felt.
Everyone then tries to do what they can, by developing survival strategies - most of the time unconscious - to protect themselves from an internal experience of which they sense the painful intensity.
- Escape the suffering
It is not a deliberate act: attempts to escape suffering are inherent in human beings. We just want to stop hurting.
Thus, the first stages of mourning are often marked by a kind of inner turmoil that takes hold of the mind and the objective of which is to bypass pain.
It is not a deliberate act: attempts to escape suffering are inherent in human beings. We just want to stop hurting.
Thus, the first stages of mourning are often marked by a kind of inner turmoil that takes hold of the mind and the objective of which is to bypass pain.
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In a way we act "as if", as if we could cancel what has happened, showing ourselves and others that life can continue as before, as if nothing had changed. The underlying hope is to be able to absorb the shock quickly, without having to reformulate your entire existence. So we run, we run as fast as we can, so as not to be caught by this tidal wave that threatens to surge on us. We run for weeks, we run for months ... and slowly we get exhausted. We don't realize it right away; it will be later, when we have no more energy to keep reality at a distance.
But, for the moment, the urgency is to act as if we could neutralize the absurd.
But, for the moment, the urgency is to act as if we could neutralize the absurd.
But each is unique and reacts in its own way. This attempt to distance the pain also involves withdrawal, the need for emptiness, silence, the desire not to move and to remain still because the slightest gesture hurts.
Either way, this time of "flight" is like a time of adjustment to a new situation, like a space of transition between your world before and your life to come.
Everyone lives it in their own way, there is no defined rule.
This tendency to want to "function" as "before" is natural.
Everyone lives it in their own way, there is no defined rule.
This tendency to want to "function" as "before" is natural.
- Search for the missing person
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The other part of this second phase of mourning is that of research.
It is built around the idea that it is impossible to conceive of life without the person we have lost. We will then hang on to everything that talks about her and everything that nourishes and maintains the bond and the memory of her presence.
Here again, this reaction is quite normal: this research is not morbid; it responds to an interior necessity that nothing can influence, so imperious it is.
For months and months, we feel the need to talk again and again about what happened and the suffering we are going through.
And even if we can't talk about it, it's nevertheless there in itself, incessant, obsessing to the point that sometimes we wonder if we will one day be able to think of something else.
Everything revolves around this person we have lost, everything comes back to it: the slightest circumstance, the slightest remark, the slightest object.
And even if we can't talk about it, it's nevertheless there in itself, incessant, obsessing to the point that sometimes we wonder if we will one day be able to think of something else.
Everything revolves around this person we have lost, everything comes back to it: the slightest circumstance, the slightest remark, the slightest object.
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At first, loved ones understand this need to surround themselves with everything that evokes the missing person, but as time goes by, they start to worry and unhappy words, arising from their ignorance of the grieving process, begin to emerge. ... And we suffer in silence, or we explode with anger in front of so much incomprehension.
In fact, we realize that it will be more and more difficult to speak openly about our grief and the person we have lost. The others do not understand, and this painful observation reinforces the insidious feeling that we are now living on another planet.
In fact, we realize that it will be more and more difficult to speak openly about our grief and the person we have lost. The others do not understand, and this painful observation reinforces the insidious feeling that we are now living on another planet.
There, we begin to glimpse the beginnings of the loneliness that will characterize the time to come.
- Another relation to things
Everything begins to change during this second phase of mourning.
Everything begins to change during this second phase of mourning.
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Everything: even the relation to objects.
Some become precious because they help to maintain the connection but, at the same time, they are a painful reminder of something that "shouldn't have been".
Some people will be able to immediately establish a serene relation with these reminders of the past.
Others on the other hand develop an ambiguous relation with them: they need to touch them, to feel them, to know them in their proper place, but on the other hand, They would like to be able to make the evocation of so much memories and so much suffering disappear from their sight.
However, there is no right or wrong way to behave with the missing person's possessions.
WHY?
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"Why ?" You know this question only too well. It is there, at all times, burning, throbbing, destructive, enclosing the mind in its iron grip, granting it no respite. It appears in the course of each thought, arising with force, requiring a start of response, any, something that would give some sense to what happened.
There is a feeling that there will be no peace until these questions are answered. It is not necessary, it is simply vital. We have the impression that, if we manage to have some elements of response, we will be able to silence in ourselves this dreadful doubt which whisper insidiously in the ear that we may have its share of responsibility in what happened . Isn't this doubt for the most part what deeply nourishes this search for "Why"?
As exhausting as it is, this research has a meaning and a function. It is an integral part of the grieving process and it is a necessary time that cannot be saved.
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[...] This research very often takes precedence over the experience of emotions, as if we had to first try to give coherence to the absurd, before going further and being able, in a second step, 'abandon a sentence that we have managed to delimit in the field of "comprehensible".
[...] There is indeed something dizzying about indulging in what we cannot understand or master. We need safeguards so as not to get lost in pain. Thus, the answers we are trying to give are all anchors which, we hope, will allow us to stabilize.
- Looking for answers
In the quest for the keys that would allow us to understand the reasons for suicide, no avenue is overlooked. We search everywhere, we knock on all doors, we explore the slightest possibility.
In the quest for the keys that would allow us to understand the reasons for suicide, no avenue is overlooked. We search everywhere, we knock on all doors, we explore the slightest possibility.
- Letters and writings of the disappeared person: sometimes, there is nothing at all: no writing, no trace to reconstruct the course of events.
The documents found close to the deceased or in their business become, for a time, the focal point of relatives.
The worst case scenario is when the intention to hurt shows through: "It's all your fault". "You led me to suicide and I want you to carry this responsibility until the end of your days." We can hardly see anything other than the desire to drown loved ones in guilt. Paradoxically, it happens that the violence of these words is such that it is easier for the entourage to "manage" this guilt: it appears so clearly that the deceased person was blinded by her anger that it is easier to take step back from her writings; we tell ourselves that she was not mistress of herself and that she found herself caught up in an emotional movement whose control escaped her. Aware of being attacked in such a illegitimate, unfounded or arbitrary manner, some relatives (but not all ...) manage to take the necessary step back.
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Most often, the intention is quite different and it is the desire to protect loved ones that prevails: "You have nothing to do with it." "It has nothing to do with you." "There is nothing you can do for me." "Know that I love you but that I cannot continue this life" [...] These sentences, often full of tenderness and thoughtfulness, invite loved ones not to feel guilty. Unfortunately, we know how vain this hope is, so powerful is the embrace of guilt. From the point of view of the suicidal person, these last writings are a way of ending the relationship, even if that does not prevent those around her from living forever with a feeling of brutal unfinished.
Relatives can find relative comfort when serious health problems or even old age are clearly exposed as being the cause of suicide. [...] But the result is more uncertain when the person speaks of suffering linked to a mental disorder such as depression or schizophrenia or that an unspeakable ill-of-life shows through with each word. Even if the deceased person says that there was nothing more they could do for her, everyone remains convinced that she could have done more to ease her pain and avoid the worst.
- How far to go? Finally, what answers do these writings provide? [...] This final message is only a piece of the puzzle and not necessarily the most significant. It belongs to a larger whole where logic or coherence do not necessarily prevail. By scrutinizing these writings, for months, dissecting them, trying to read between the lines, we risk giving them too absolute or definitive value, by making them say what they do not say or by giving the words a meaning that the deceased may not have intended to give. Too many elements escape us to reach a reliable conclusion: under what conditions was this letter written? [...]
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This writing reflects the state of mind of this person, the very moment she wrote it. That's all we can say. A punctual writing does not have the capacity to summarize all the interior path which led to the suicide, even if the conclusions which the suicidal person draws on her situation seem relevant.
For some, the writings provide more questions than they provide answers. Why did you choose suicide? Why, when there were other solutions? So many questions that remain unanswered.
- Question the entourage. The quest for "why" also very often involves meeting with all those likely to give a new light on the circumstances of suicide. We meet friends, work colleagues, in search of information of which they would be the only depositaries. The search for information also leads to consulting the memory of the deceased's mobile phone to record the last calls and to try to reach his last interlocutors. We also look at the latest emails or, especially for teenagers, the latest articles on their "blogs" or other social network.
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- Explore everything related to suicide. Some loved ones become real experts on the issue of suicide and are at the forefront of all that is known about depression, bipolar disorder, psychosis.
This is another specific - and completely legitimate - aspect of bereavement after suicide. We need to make sense of the tragedy we have just experienced and this search for factual information can do good.
[...] It is through this that some relatives manage to find a little distance from their guilt.
[...] It is through this that some relatives manage to find a little distance from their guilt.
- Rereading the past. The research phase is also a re-reading of the past. This is true regardless of bereavement, but all the more so in bereavement after suicide. Thus, during a time that seems infinite, every detail of the past is brought back to consciousness; the last conversations, the last arguments, the last looks.
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Very often, during this careful examination of the past, what was not perceptible at the time suddenly appears to be "obvious"; everything comes together and everything becomes coherent.
But not all reach the same conclusion, far from it. Many may seek, they find nothing, absolutely nothing.
But not all reach the same conclusion, far from it. Many may seek, they find nothing, absolutely nothing.
- The suicidal threat in the past. Exploring the past inevitably brings back specific memories, directly related to suicide. This is the case with suicide attempts in the past and these memories become all the more painful as they are understood today as the beginnings of the drama to come.
How many times is suicide the end of years and years of suffering in the family? There are countless hospitalizations, visits to shrinks, moments of crisis. We had to find the energy to support depression, schizophrenia, alcoholism and addiction to all types of drugs as best as possible. The family itself can see its balance threatened by the difficulties of the sick person or by the consequences of her behavior. The stress of living with someone openly suicidal for months or years "wears out" physically and psychologically.
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[...] We therefore understand how strong can be the guilt of loved ones to reconnect with family harmony after the suicide of one of their own. It must be understood that we are not relieved to be rid of this person as an individual, we are relieved to no longer be caught in the destructive whirlwind which prevailed itself and which was ultimately right of its existence. Being aware of this, we can more easily allow ourselves relief, without having the impression of betraying our memory.
- Tracks to understand
- A particular profile of people? Despite numerous researches on the subject, there remains a relative vagueness on the existence of a specific profile in suicidal people.
It is true that by examining the life course of these people, we find certain character traits, such as a difficulty in confronting or adjusting to change, a very critical view on oneself or even a component of perfectionism, with a particularly high level of demands on yourself. But is that enough to lead to suicide?
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We also know that suicide can occur in the context of loss. Whether it is the loss of a loved one (by death or separation) or that, more symbolic of a job or a special status (unemployment, illness, financial bankruptcy ...), the loss , in the broad sense is clearly a factor involved in the suicidal movement, but not everyone exposed to such stress necessarily acts out. Other elements obviously come into play.
Suicide is not an isolated act. It cannot be understood "in itself", disregarding the family, professional, social, cultural context ... in which it takes place. It is the result of a process whose roots are lost in the extreme complexity of the human mind.
Suicide is not an isolated act. It cannot be understood "in itself", disregarding the family, professional, social, cultural context ... in which it takes place. It is the result of a process whose roots are lost in the extreme complexity of the human mind.
In appearance, all cases are possible: from the act slowly matured for months until the passage to the impulsive act. However, there seem to exist underground forces entering the genesis of suicidal dynamics, even if suicide seems sudden and impulsive. Besides, aren't these impulsive acts themselves just the top of the iceberg?
- The suicidal spiral. Research on suicide (notably that of sociologist Émile Durkheim) speaks of what is called the "disengagement syndrome" in an attempt to describe the state of mind of suicidal people in the process of developing their gesture. It is important to remember that this model does not include all the people who intend to kill themselves; it is only a proposal to try to understand the experience of the suicidal person.
The term "disengagement" translates well to what is happening: the person is suffering for one reason or another. She tries to find answers to her discomfort, both inside and outside of herself. It is not the idea of death that predominates, but rather that of the end of suffering, whatever the means to implement to achieve it.
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When she does not find the expected answers outside, she tries to find refuge inside herself, her environment seems to her less and less able to respond to her discomfort. Thus, gradually, and very often even without her knowing, she withdraws from any interaction with others. It always seems to be in touch with the outside, but it is a surface bond. She finds more and more comfort in the idea that ending her life could be the best way to alleviate her suffering.
At first, it seems that this withdrawal is relatively conscious and voluntary and that the option of suicide is only one method among others to stop suffering. The person mentally "tests" these different options and this mental process acts as a kind of psychic protection aimed at taking distance from an environment with which she feels less and less in tune.
Then, over time, what was initially voluntary becomes automatic: without realizing it, the "habit" of thinking about suicide takes hold; the number of options is reduced and suicide appears more and more valid and "reasonable"; the idea becomes more and more familiar. The person then insidiously locks herself in the conviction that nothing except suicide, is capable of bringing the slightest appeasement [...] The suicidal ideas with which she "flirted" become more and more significant. They become conceivable and even logical or obvious as the ultimate means of alleviating suffering.
At this stage, the suicidal person fears that others will hinder her project. She then decides not to talk about it for fear that others will try to divert it. [...] But nothing should be said to the entourage. Nothing should be shown; not out of distrust, but governed by the conviction that they are powerless to ease the painful of life. It is now up to you to take the situation in hand.
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And that's where some relief comes in. Indeed, it seems that taking - finally - the decision to commit suicide brings enormous relief to this person who has been looking for a way out for so long. that's it ! The decision is made, there is no more to struggle and life suddenly seems softer, more peaceful. The person lives in anticipation of a future well-being, after months or years of wandering and confusion. She finally has the key and she will not let anyone steal it from her. So, outwardly, everything seems to be better; she seems calmer; nothing is really important anymore and she approaches things with detachment and serenity, even if it is the serenity of despair.
Knowing that she will soon act, the suicidal person cuts all the bridges and the only significant acts are those of the preparations for her departure. Nothing else matters.
Yes ..., but despite the relevance of these descriptions of the suicidal process, the absence of definitive answers is still missing. The truth is that only the person who committed suicide would be able to say why she did it.
Knowing that she will soon act, the suicidal person cuts all the bridges and the only significant acts are those of the preparations for her departure. Nothing else matters.
Yes ..., but despite the relevance of these descriptions of the suicidal process, the absence of definitive answers is still missing. The truth is that only the person who committed suicide would be able to say why she did it.
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Incidentally, what is also disturbing in the suicide of a loved one is that this person whom we thought we knew so well makes manifest, in broad daylight, a discomfort which remains an enigma, for all and forever. She powerfully affirms something that remains forever inaccessible to those around her, abandoning her to the impossible task of having to interpret the meaning of her act. She alone knew what was going on in the twists and turns of her mind; she alone could explain why; she alone could say what was the drop of water that made the vase overflow [...]
Doubt is sometimes added to the questioning. There are indeed unclear situations where loved ones wonder if, in the end, the person who committed suicide really wanted to take action.
Only the deceased person holds this secret. And even that, is it certain? Would this person really be able to say what led her to commit suicide?
Only the deceased person holds this secret. And even that, is it certain? Would this person really be able to say what led her to commit suicide?
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Suicidal people always assert that the act is not aimed at death - even if it leads to it - but the relief of moral suffering. To kill oneself is first to seek peace. The fact that suicide plunges loved ones in unspeakable pain is not necessarily present in the mind of the person who kills herself at the time. The suffering of others is not the priority: one is obsessed with one's own.
When the suicidal person has reached the point of no return where her decision is definitively made, it seems that the slightest incident, the slightest frustration is experienced as further proof that life is no longer worth living.
- The impossible answer. We search for months, for years ... We look everywhere, over and over again, with, in itself, a vague concern about the length of this search for answers which monopolizes, heartily, so much energy psychic. It feels good to be exhausted, but it's stronger than yourself. And yet, according to those who have known the grip of this pressing need, it one day manages to calm down.
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It seems that this decision to suspend all new research is self-evident. Over time, this renunciation eventually becomes possible, tolerable, acceptable. We understand that giving up does not mean either betraying or abandoning and that "keeping the bond" with the missing person will not necessarily involve obtaining any response. We realize that it is futile to try to advance in force and that, finaly, "restoring and pacifying the bond" will be the natural outcome of the mourning process and that the will has little to do with it. see. Hence the importance of doing everything to make the least possible obstacle to its harmonious development. We know indeed that it is by this only that an authentic comfort will emerge.
THE ABYSS OF GUILT
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"Responsible", the word is let out. Immediately another is imposed, just as violent "guilty". The quest for "why and guilt indeed occupy the same territory: what have I not done? What have I not understood? What have I not seen ? How did I not feel her bad life? Did I do enough? Did I love her enough? And if I had known ... And if only ...
Guilt is the major axis around which the pain revolves. It is based on the ineradicable presumption that suicide can be prevented and that nothing has been done - or not enough - to prevent it from happening.
The root of the word "guilt" being culpa, "fault" in Latin, so this is the "fault" of which we are accused: not having been able, or known, to prevent suicide. It says that at one point, we didn't have the right attitude, we didn't make the right decisions, we didn't say the right words. It is also based on the painful awareness of not being able to go back, in order to rewrite history.
The root of the word "guilt" being culpa, "fault" in Latin, so this is the "fault" of which we are accused: not having been able, or known, to prevent suicide. It says that at one point, we didn't have the right attitude, we didn't make the right decisions, we didn't say the right words. It is also based on the painful awareness of not being able to go back, in order to rewrite history.
- The multiple faces of guilt
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- "I did not know how to help her". The guilt after the death is sometimes part of a continuity, in the sense that it preexisted suicide: the person had long expressed her unhappiness and this created in her loved ones a climate of anxiety and helplessness at not being able to help her. It is on this basis that the guilt is prolonged and supported, after death, the "fault" being there, of not having been able to bring comfort to the person in distress, when she was still alive. This is the main accusation that relatives have been addressing for years.
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The feeling of guilt increases if, in the past, the suicidal person had expressly criticized the inability of her loved ones to get her out of her distress. It becomes difficult for them, after death, to tell themselves that the missing person was aware of everything they had tried to do for her: the "not enough" that he addressed to them still rings in their ears and it they need a long time to stop considering this "not enough" as the ultimate truth, and to understand it as a subjective perception of the suicidal person who, drowned in her own torment, was no longer able to see what the we were doing for her.
It is only after they have passed this stage that they recognize that they have truly and largely done "enough" for her and that the request of the deceased was far beyond what they could humanly accomplish.
- "I did not know how to protect him". Suicide bluntly reveals the fragility of the missing person and certain relatives continue to blame themselves for not having been able to protect him from attacks from his environment.
"We should have protected her from the aggressions of her environment."
"I should have shielded her from the moral harassment of her boss."
"I should have prevented her from seeing this psychiatrist who was doing her more harm than good."
Parents are particularly vulnerable to this type of accusation. They feel fundamentally in contradiction with their role as parents which commits them to protect their child against everything.
"I should have shielded her from the moral harassment of her boss."
"I should have prevented her from seeing this psychiatrist who was doing her more harm than good."
Parents are particularly vulnerable to this type of accusation. They feel fundamentally in contradiction with their role as parents which commits them to protect their child against everything.
- "I did not measure up". Guilt takes anotherdimension when it calls into question the whole relationship with the deceased. This feeling is particularly present in parents whose children have committed suicide.
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Their role and their identity as parents are brutally questioned: such a parent revisits, in a very critical way, the education he gave to his child.
[...] Within the couple, we blame ourselves for having imposed on his wife prolonged absences, due to too much professional pressure.
We come back to the old conflicts, the breakdowns of dialogues, the refusals to understand, to forgive, to accept. We blame ourselves for not having been more patient, more tolerant, more attentive.
[...] Within the couple, we blame ourselves for having imposed on his wife prolonged absences, due to too much professional pressure.
We come back to the old conflicts, the breakdowns of dialogues, the refusals to understand, to forgive, to accept. We blame ourselves for not having been more patient, more tolerant, more attentive.
- "I saw nothing of his suffering". There is a double question here: is this suffering perceptible and, if so, was it possible for me to perceive it?
Indeed, reality is sometimes so frightening to us that we unconsciously put in place psychic mechanisms aimed at protecting ourselves by completely "canceling" the real hard elements that scare us: denial is one of these mechanisms. And what is more frightening than the distress of a highly suicidal loved one?
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We are faced with someone we love sending, without really naming them, signals (behavioral or verbal) about his intention to end his life. It is sometimes so "enormous", so beyond all that we can conceive that we does not see, that we cannot see what is happening. It is much more than a refusal to see, it is a real mental blindness which prevents us from perceiving what is at stake. On an unconscious level, it is probable that we perceive these signals, but this information does not arrive not necessarily at the conscious level. Relatives, unconsciously stagged, powerless, terrified, evacuate any alarm signal from their field of consciousness. Without even realizing it, they "zap" the possibility of suicide, even if, retrospectively, they find collapsed, that everything was there to alert them to the impending gesture. Some, moreover, remember flashes of intuition on the reality of the suicidal threat. It is around the memory of these moments of lucidity that the guilt after suicide crystallizes: they blame themselves for not having acted. They condemn themselves. They bitterly reproach themselves for being human and for having, without their knowledge, inforced a psychic protection mechanism over which they had no control.
The other side of this accusation of "having seen nothing" is whether there was, indeed, something to see! Isn't it always easier to interpret past situations in the light of present events? Did we really have the means at the time to "decode" what the suicidal person communicated?
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- Guilt in grieving children. Like the adult, the child is not immune from guilt. [...] It is always useful to go and check with the child if he feels, in one way or another, responsible for the suicide, then to explicitly affirm that he is in no way guilty of what happened. It is necessary to go to the front of the child who is too wise and who does not manifest much in order to make sure that he does not suppress in him an intolerable guilt.
- The price of guilt
We have just seen that guilt is built around fault, whether it is real or supposed. Now, in our Judeo-Christian tradition, if there is "fault", there must be "punishment". We then understand how bereavement after suicide can potentially bear the brunt of the "punishments" that result from this self-condemnation! It is a call to vigilance because these "punishments" that we impose on ourselves are essentially unconscious and their implementation is subtle. [...] Fruit of guilt, these "punishments" have a real psychic toxicity. If we are not careful, they can undermine every moment of life in a pernicious and lasting way.
- "I no longer have the right to happiness". We no longer go out, we no longer live, we forbid ourselves the slightest happiness because we feel we no longer have the right to it. Life now should only be a long and painful punishment. This attitude of mind is not far from what is called "guilt of the survivor": it is the feeling of no longer having the right to enjoy life through what others (another, a other) are dead. You feel guilty if you hear yourself laughing over dinner or if you find yourself having a good time.
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This prohibition lasts as long as you feel you have not sufficiently "expiated" the fault you are accused of and, for some, it can mean a lifetime. The long speeches of their loved ones inviting them to accept a little happiness again are in vain, and even if they are partly aware of being the architects of their own misfortune, it is often difficult for them to act otherwise, so much is powerful the guilt that embraces them.
- "I despise myself". In the light of what happened, it becomes impossible to perceive yourself as "someone good". We realize that we are not what we thought we were; we disappoint ourselves and, worse still, we are convinced that we have disappointed others in a particularly tragic way. We tell ourselves that if we had been someone else - implying someone "better" - none of this would have happened. This "punishment" is particularly formidable because it touches the very heart of self-esteem. We call ourselves unworthy of the least success, the least gratification, the least happiness. Self-confidence is shattered. It can even go so far as to fail in everything we do.
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An important parameter sometimes comes to reinforce this negative vision of oneself: it is the idealization of the deceased person. In this dynamic of thought, the memory of this person gradually empties of all its negative aspects, to keep only the positive. These "gray areas" are evacuated or passed over in silence, so that a magnified image of the deceased person is imposed over time. This is not negative in itself (this idealization process can even prove beneficial during mourning). It poses problem when idealization feeds the guilt: indeed, if one considers to have been "failing" against a person considered as extraordinary, then it becomes logical to position oneself as a completely "bad" individual "who has not been able to live up to such an exceptional being.
- "I must die in my turn". The last way to be "paid" for the suicide of a loved one is ... to kill himself in turn: "I have no right to live, I must die too . " In this same category, we can also build the idea that we are, ourselves or our family, condemned to know a fate similar to the disappeared person. Suicide is seen as a fatality from which it would be futile to want to escape. This truncated view of reality exposes us to the risk of admitting that we are systematically defeated and powerless in the face of life's difficulties. We abdicate before we even fight, as we are convinced that it is a waste of time. Such an attitude can lead to interpreting the slightest setback in life in the light of this "curse", by considering that everything is written and, whatever we do, the outcome is irreversible.
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- The dangers of victimization. In mourning after suicide, relatives are necessarily "victims", victims in the sense that they suffer a situation they have not chosen. Overwhelmed by guilt, they identify themselves as responsible for suicide. Some relatives then become "victims" not of the suicidal act, but of the guilt itself! It is this insidious process of victimization that serves as the foundation for the "punishments" we have just discussed.
- Being a victim to protect ourselves from the judgment of others. By positioning ourselves as a victim, we show ourselves to be destroyed, fragile, helpless, devastated. ... By adopting such an attitude, we nourish the (unconscious) hope that nobody will dare to add and address the slightest reproach. Intuitively, the bereaved person adopts a low position which allows them to "ward off blows" and protect themselves from possible attacks.
- Be a victim and become a "savior"? In this attitude there is an attempt to repair the "fault", to the detriment of his own well-being, in the dimension of sacrifice, by neglecting his own needs and priorities. It is a question of restoring self-esteem as best as possible by trying to atone for the "failure" of the past. Deep inside us there is the intimate conviction, stemming from guilt, that one is fundamentally failing. Some are thus exhausted, physically and emotionally, in trying to reach illusory, impossible or unrealistic objectives: they confusedly await a kind of "absolution" which will never come since they nourish in them a guilt which makes it impossible!
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- Being a victim to justify your gray areas? When the guilt has not subsided over the years, there is clearly "something" that does not happen. Victim status and guilt are sometimes the tree that hides the forest ... It is indeed possible that the immobility of some people refers to problematics that have nothing to do with suicide itself. They may have had psychological difficulties before suicide.
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Another example: guilt (and its consequences) can be put forward to justify professional or relationship failures, while other parameters unrelated to suicide (such as personality or skills) clearly come into play. Invoking suicide (and position themselves as a victim) offers some people a legitimate opportunity to face the failures of their lives, making it difficult, by the same token, any derogatory remark or any reproach from the entourage.
- Free yourself from guilt?
- The search for "why?" We have seen how omnipresent the quest for "why" is in the mourning of suicide. It is so important that even if it concerns the missing person, this quest in fact speaks, essentially of oneself.
In fact, faced with guilt, the absolute priority, as a person in mourning, is to know whether or not we are responsible for the death.
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Some authors who study mourning say that the quest for "why" could be a way of protecting oneself from suffering: as long as we have not found a definitive answer to ours questions, we will not leave place for emotions. This cerebral, intellectual process would be a way of keeping the emotional process away. Thus, while we seek answers with obstinacy and pugnacity, we would postpone the confrontation with anger, abandonment, rejection, guilt, absence all the more.
At the unconscious level, this research would also be a way of preserving the link with the missing person, to renounce it then being able to be understood as a rupture of this link, hence the impossibility for some to end their search. The energy invested in this quest "would bring" some mourners and help them not to sink.
- The trap of an afterthought reading. Mourning is based on the rereading of the past: it is thanks to it that we think we find the anchor points of guilt. However, we forget a little too quickly that we tend to reconstruct the events of the past in the light of those of the present. We retrospectively assign them a meaning that they did not necessarily initially have, and this in order to make them consistent with the information we have in the present. This means that if we explore the past in search of "evidence" to justify our guilt, we will inevitably find it. The human mind works like this! We will always find what we need to find, even if it comes at the cost of a wrong interpretation of the past. We ignore the fact that we did not have the means then to give events the meaning we give them today.
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The suicide of a loved one induces, in itself and by itself, guilt; it is only in a second phase that we scrutinize the past, in order to try to support this feeling, by looking for supports which would make tangible, legitimate and "objective" this basic guilt. It is because we feel guilty that we need to search, in our past history, "evidence" or "reasons" to be ... and not vice versa!
The notion of "fault", the source of guilt, very often preexists in the search for "evidence" which will support it. It is only secondarily that this research begins. However, it is important to repeat that we will always find something in the past, when we have the intimate conviction that there is something to find! As in addition, this research has for its object human relationships (fallible by nature!), We are spoiled for choice to find events on which to fix our guilt: the slightest incident can become irrefutable proof that actually acted irresponsibly. It is on its basis that we designate ourselves as guilty!
- Take your place. Faced with the violence of guilt, "assuming one's place" is fully affirming that, yes you had a major impact on the life of this person who committed suicide, but this impact has limits and, whatever you can say, they do not allow you to pose as responsible for his death.
- You are not responsible for your child's suicide.
- You are not responsible for the suicide of your spouse.
- You are not responsible for your parent's suicide.
- You are not responsible for the suicide of your brother or sister.
- You are not responsible for the suicide of your friend.
- You are not responsible for the suicide of any human being.
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If you were involved in the genesis of his distress, it was not you who hung this rope on the beam, it was not you who made him take medicine, it was not you who pulled the trigger. It is not you !
Nothing of your value, nothing of the depth of your love, nothing of your fundamental dignity is here called into question. Something else has happened; something that goes beyond what you can do, beyond your control, beyond your responsibility.
So, if in spite of everything, you feel that you have to "pay" for this "fault"; if, for you, there is no other way of appeasement, then yes, pay! But pay knowingly, pay by being the most lucid about the reasons that push you to do so and what you are looking for.
Look straight in the eye at the punishment that you impose on yourself and perhaps also on your loved ones and assess how long you will submit to it. A lifetime ? Why not ...
But realize that this choice is up to you. It would be wrong to see it as a fatality or a destiny from which you cannot escape. If the person who committed suicide was present, how far would she accept that you go to "pay" for the "fault" of her death?
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Look at the harshness with which you treat yourself.
Watch the violence you inflict on yourself and ask yourself how this punishment can be beneficial for you, for others, or for the memory of the missing person.
And one day, once all this is behind you, you may find yourself a little at peace ...
ANGER
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- Recognize anger
When we talk about anger in this chapter, we must understand this term in a very broad sense and include in its definition all the emotions that contain a component of anger, such as resentment, bitterness, resentment ...
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sometimes not aware, which deprives us of the possibility of acting on it. It is expressed in many ways, with more or less intensity. Here are some characteristic manifestations:
- explosive mood attacks,
- more or less constant feverish agitation, feeling like being a little "speedy" or on the nerves, all resulting in an unpleasant internal tension,
- experienced irritation / irritability when faced with situations that one tolerated well in the past,
- increased impatience: we react "quarter-turn", being less inclined to compromise or negotiation,
- lower tolerance threshold for frustration,
- increased tension in relationships with others, with a tendency to catch the fly faster than usual, to enter into conflict for nothing; we feel very easily attacked by the indifference of others, by our lack of attention, our "blunders" or our lack of tact,
- impression that the environment - or the world in general - has become more hostile or more aggressive,
- physical manifestations of stress: insomnia, headache, palpitations, high blood pressure, heartburn, pain, fatigue ...
- Anger like no other. Look at it this way: If someone killed the person you cared about most in the world, you would feel deep hatred for the murderer. What happens when the one who dies [...] is the one who kills, as is the case with suicide? What then becomes of anger against the aggressor? We suddenly find ourselves in an overhang with regard to a complex feeling: I am legitimately angry because "someone" has killed the person I love, but, aggressor and victim confusing, I forbid myself - or I feel guilty - to experience it because it would be to condemn the very object of my love and my suffering.
- The targets of anger.
Anger inevitably leads to the search for a target or a person in charge who would serve as an outlet for the enormous amount of psychic energy that it generates. We thus identify three main targets:
- anger towards others,
- anger towards oneself,
- anger towards the missing person.
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And here we come to a delicate subject: you may have every reason to believe that one or more people have actively contributed to the suicide of your loved one. However, it is important that you understand that part of your anger towards them is potentially a projection of your anger, whether consciously or not, towards the missing person. These two levels are not contradictory. Knowing that they can coexist helps to put things right and allows anger to be approached with a little more distance and lucidity.
But let there be no mistake either: it is of course quite normal to seek that truth and justice be done, if there has been objectively fault on the part of a third party. However, the designation of a person responsible for the suicide of our loved one must also be considered, taking into account the psychic mechanism of projection as a means of short-circuiting the anger that is carried within.
- Anger towards others. In the case of suicide, anyone identified as having participated, directly or indirectly, in the ill-being of the deceased loved one is in the line of sight of bereaved relatives.
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It is not a question here of clearing the "psychiatrists", whether they are psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, psychoanalysts. There are people who consulted psychiatrists and who committed suicide, others who did not consult them and who also committed suicide. There are people who were severely suicidal in the past and who are no longer suicidal today, because of the effective help of a shrink. However, it is a fact: psychiatry is still very limited in what it can offer in the face of suffering. This is an area where advances in research are not as evident as in other specialties. The understanding of human behavior is still very partial.
But in fact, we realize that, very often, it is not the "technical" limits of the doctors that most arouse the anger of loved ones. It is rather the attitude of the professionals they meet, before and / or after suicide, that plays a determining role. Sometimes it is true, there is really flight, judgment, condemnation, negligence relational incompetence on the part of the professionals and, it is unacceptable.
The anger of loved ones also feeds by what is perceived as a lack of vigilance on the part of shrinks with regard to the threat of suicide. It cannot be denied that there is sometimes a tragic incompetence in the assessment of suicide risk and, if this is the case, it is legitimate to take steps to verify it and take the necessary measures.
The anger of loved ones also feeds by what is perceived as a lack of vigilance on the part of shrinks with regard to the threat of suicide. It cannot be denied that there is sometimes a tragic incompetence in the assessment of suicide risk and, if this is the case, it is legitimate to take steps to verify it and take the necessary measures.
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Instead of the mutual support that everyone needs, the loved ones of the deceased tear themselves apart and get bogged down in an escalation of reproaches where each one bitterly holds his positions.
* Mutual condemnation of grieving parents. The suicide of a child inaugurates a time of crisis in the parental couple. Each parent feels guilty and either parent may have things to blame their spouse for. Some parents engage in a direct confrontation, while others remain silent: the anger does not burst into the light of day, either because it is not recognized as such, or because it is felt as too threatening for the integrity of the couple, if it is given free course. We fear to show our spouse the intensity of our anger and, at the same time, we fear being accused, in turn, if we make the slightest reproach. So what to do? Take the risk of naming things? or decide to keep quiet, hoping it will "go away" on its own?
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* The entourage. The professional entourage is the privileged target here, even if, in certain situations, rarer it is true, it is the social or friendly entourage which is directly questioned by the angry relatives. At the professional level, moral harassment in the workplace is the most frequent case.
* Anger against God, fate, karma ... It is impossible to speak of anger towards others without mentioning that directed against God (whatever name you give it). It is not without consequences because it carries in its wake a whole fundamental questioning about what some consider to be the backbone of their existence. They find themselves facing a radical questioning of their belief system and rebuilding themselves at this level represents a major stake during their mourning ...
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Bereavement is also a spiritual process. This dimension of our being does not escape this grip: some leave their tradition of origin to embrace another, others renounce all religious implication and orient themselves more towards a spiritual dimension, or else cut themselves off from everything , when still others discover a religious fiber that they had never suspected until then.
Anger against God or destiny can then transform into a positive force that invites us to reconsider what we thought had always been acquired: there is what we leave behind, what we keep from the past, what one acquires in the present and that makes sense today for oneself.
* Anger without support. Suicide is an aggression and it generates, almost automatically, violence in return, like a response, a self-defense in the face of the attack to which we are subjected. It can remain "floating" inside of you, without tangible support: you then feel irritated, acute, ready to shoot anything that happens. This feeling is normal, even if it is painful to live on a daily. Everything becomes a pretext: the indifference of others in the face of a suffering that they cannot understand; the need to look "good" in society because time has passed or the open expression of suffering was accepted or tolerated; the happiness, carefree and almost insulting, of all other people, when you yourself can barely put one foot in front of the other. And even if others show kindness, some cannot stop being angry with their own friends because they are simply powerless to soothe their grief.
* Anger towards oneself. Anger and guilt often occupy the same interior territory: they refer to the same situations, it is only the mode of expression that differs.
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where we recognize in retrospect the "obvious" clues which should have given the alarm. We blame ourselves violently for this lack of attention or vigilance. Some relatives accuse themselves of self-centeredness, condemning themselves for having been too focused on the other. They did not take the anger off at the memory of their multiple "failures" and were convinced that, if they had remedied them, it could have made a difference. We thus find, in anger against oneself, a lot of what has been said about guilt.
The important point to emphasize here is that a continuous anger against oneself "ruins" psychologically and this all the more that one does not identify it as such. We know in fact that a dull, insidious, unrecognized anger that turns silently against you is so toxic that it is capable of inducing real depression. It is for this reason that it is so important to identify it, in order to give ourselves the means to express it more openly.
* Anger towards the deceased. The anger felt against the deceased is very often denied or distanced. For some, this question is almost taboo: we cannot, we must not be angry with this person who has suffered so much. However, the path of mourning involves confronting all emotions and, if this anger is present, it too must be taken into account and welcomed.
Do not be afraid of this anger: it does not question the love you have for the missing person. Anger and love are not incompatible! If, for example, you are a grieving parent, it would be surprising if you never got angry with your child! When that happened, it didn't mean that you stopped loving him: you were just in your parenting role.
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So, if you allowed yourself to be angry while he was alive, allow yourself to be anger today even if that person died. By doing so, you will only be in the continuity of your relationship and it is this inner freedom and this fluidity in confronting your emotions that will help you progress in your mourning.
- Rejection, abandonment. It hurts to think that someone you love could have acted in a way that makes so little of yourself. We feel rejected, abandoned. It is fine to say that he was in great distress and that nothing else existed in his eyes, the fact remains that the feeling of abandonment is indeed there. The intellectual understanding of the pain that overwhelmed him does not always manage to short-circuit the bitterness of having been so radically ignored.
By committing suicide, the person forces those around them to experience something they did not want. Relatives find themselves faced with a fait accompli; it is final and of great violence. We understand that part of the path of mourning will consist in reclaiming a feeling of fundamental dignity where the departure of the other no longer calls into question the intrinsic value that we grant ourselves.
By committing suicide, the person forces those around them to experience something they did not want. Relatives find themselves faced with a fait accompli; it is final and of great violence. We understand that part of the path of mourning will consist in reclaiming a feeling of fundamental dignity where the departure of the other no longer calls into question the intrinsic value that we grant ourselves.
- The questioning of our own value. Some bereaved relatives receive the gesture of the missing person as a failure. Many come to doubt the quality of their love since, they say, it could not keep the loved one in life. This painful observation undermines self-esteem and loved ones can blame the deceased for forcing them to raise such questions in them.
Resentment can also come from the fact that they feel unjustly accused by the deceased ("you did not do enough for me") when many know that it is false. Finally, suicide making this supposed failure on their part "public", they may also be angry with them for designating them in the eyes of others, as people incapable of responding to the suffering of another human being. It is a cruel denial that they do not think they deserve.
Resentment can also come from the fact that they feel unjustly accused by the deceased ("you did not do enough for me") when many know that it is false. Finally, suicide making this supposed failure on their part "public", they may also be angry with them for designating them in the eyes of others, as people incapable of responding to the suffering of another human being. It is a cruel denial that they do not think they deserve.
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- Questioning the past. More generally, suicide leads some relatives to question everything they have experienced with the deceased. Some people suffer from seeing the past tainted forever by the suicidal act and they feel sadness or resentment. The memory of good times is sullied because they lose their meaning with regard to suicide. The idea that the discomfort that led to death may already have been present in the time or biases or invalidates the perception of happiness experienced in the past.
- A legacy of suffering. Suicide leads to a loss of marks for loved ones. It sometimes constitutes a real challenge to their value system and their representation of the world. Suicide introduces precariousness, randomness, unpredictability into what they once believed to be stable and controlled. Now anything can happen: certainties collapse, and we have to live with this basic concern that keeps us on the alert, as if the worst could still happen. We can understand that loved ones blame the deceased for having shaken their vision of the world so much. They are intuitively aware of the additional effort that will be required of them during the mourning in order to restore the bases of their feeling of security.
* Anger in the grieving child. When we talk about a child's suicide within a family, what about other siblings? How are they taken into account? In fact, very few studies speak of them and it is almost as if they are considered as bereaved second class. However, it is not easy to be the brother or sister of someone who commits suicide: we shared with this person part of their history, with more or less intimacy, garnering memories or secrets of which we were the only depositary. This particular status sometimes leads to receiving confidences on the distress that would lead the brother or sister to suicide. If this is the case, once the act is done, the child or the teenager feels deeply guilty in front of a drama that he saw coming, without being able or daring to speak about it to his parents.
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In addition to guilt, it is not uncommon to find anger in the child in mourning for a brother or sister: anger that the family is plunged into such suffering; anger because their gesture strips the home of its peace and security; anger also at feeling neglected by the parents because, since their suicide, the deceased child has captured their attention massively. The idea "that it is better to be dead in this family to exist in the eyes of the parents" is not very far in the minds of some and that leads to manifest their own distress through learning difficulties, runaways or, more directly, by authentic suicide attempts to reclaim parental attention.
Another particularly difficult situation for siblings is when the parents begin to idealize the suicide child. They attribute to him all the qualities, when they themselves - who are alive and therefore fallible - can inevitably only "disappoint" the parents; the struggle is unequal because the comparison with the dead child is simply untenable; they cannot be up to this idealized brother and oscillate, ambivalent and uncomfortable, between anger and guilt.
It is also important to note that they do not only experience anger during their grief. There is in particular a particular dimension of sadness. This refers to everything that will not be, to this future that we will not share.
- Do with anger
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- Between anger and guilt. Anger and guilt often go together. If anger towards loved ones or towards oneself remains still "manageable", that which relates to the missing person is very often killed, ignored, suffocated in oneself, reduced to silence under the yoke of guilt. But, the confrontation of anger, whatever it is, is an important step in the process of inner healing. It can even be said that the right expression of anger (that is, without acting out, or overflows harmful to oneself or to others) is a good indication of the process that is going on. This expression involves putting into words the emotions that stir the heart and mind; it shows that the facts are no longer denied: we finally allow ourselves to confront them directly. This has positive repercussions: grieving loved ones very often see their depression ease when they manage to express their feeling of anger openly.
- Which place for forgiveness? Suicide hurts, and in that suicide offends. But naming the offense is a way to pacify the anger that results from the violence done to those who stay. This approach gives access to forgiveness, an essential dimension in the process of calming the mind. We set ourselves the goal of forgiving ourselves and forgiving others for having thrown us into such an ordeal.
"Forgiveness is a word that breaks the silence, writes Olivier Abel in LE PARDON. The word that asks or gives forgiveness is not a word of erasure, but on the contrary a word that breaks with (...) the repression of complaints; a word that remembers, to free from the past (...). After suicide, it appears, for loved ones, the difficulty of forgiving themselves, the absence of the other prohibiting the formulation of a possible wrong (that of not being able - or knowing - to help), and transforming it into an infinite debt. "
The difficulty also comes from the fact that granting forgiveness to the other supposes that we accept to recognize that the latter has offended us. It is the first step and it is crucial. Indeed, when I recognize that the person who committed suicide hurt me by his gesture in such a brutal way, I recognize both his suffering and mine. By granting my forgiveness, I express my pain; I make it legitimate; I get out of the guilt that prevents me from expressing my anger at someone who has suffered so much.
The difficulty also comes from the fact that granting forgiveness to the other supposes that we accept to recognize that the latter has offended us. It is the first step and it is crucial. Indeed, when I recognize that the person who committed suicide hurt me by her gesture in such a brutal way, I recognize both her suffering and mine. By granting my forgiveness, I express my pain; I make it legitimate; I get out of the guilt that prevents me from expressing my anger at someone who has suffered so much.
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The quest for "why" helps to understand and "understand" can lead to forgiveness. This leads us to the notion that, even if there is an offense on the part of the suicidal person, there is no intention of offense on their part. It is the basis of the forgiveness of the other. What if we applied this resonance to ourselves? If, from the bottom of my heart, I forgive the other because I know that they never intended to offend me (they only wanted to put an end to their suffering), could not I not forgive myself on these same grounds? I never intended not to help them, to leave them in their discomfort, to neglect them , to hurt them! Yes, it may be that I did not help them and that I left them in their distress, but it was never intentional on my part ... So, can I therefore not give myself a real forgiveness for these "faults" of which I accuse myself with such violence? Couldn't forgiveness become an alternative to punishment for me? Know that yes, this is possible. But make no mistake: forgiveness is an in-depth process; it remains the path of a lifetime. It is not something that will be acquired forever.
THE DESTRUCTURING PHASE
(loss of bearings)
(loss of bearings)
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Weeks follow months, months follow years. From moment to moment, we are looking for where to find some peace. We seek and we exhaust ourselves, because no answer is satisfactory, none keeps its promises and, even if we sometimes know blue sky days, nothing seems to be able to durably alleviate this heaviness which persists in itself.
Life has resumed its course, at least that of others because we have the painful impression of having been left on the side.
This interior climate is characteristic of the third phase of mourning, which is called "destructuring phase". "Destructuring", the word is clear: it evokes the loss of bearings, the disappearance of what once gave framework and coherence, it speaks of the need to keep moving forward, even when we feel without structure, without container.
In contrast, the initial phase of escape/ search was, in this respect, better delimited: thoughts focused on the reasons for the suicide, possibly on the search for co-responsible, the suffering was of such intensity that it was difficult to focus on something else. A lot of energy was then mobilized in a single direction. Today, after several months when we hoped that life could become "as before", we see that the reserves are dry; we feel empty, hollow, without bravery, without any perspective.
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| Annie Veitch |
It is essential to know this phase; this allows we not to be surprised when it begins to manifest. It is indeed contrary to the idea "that over time it will get better". We see that it is quite the opposite happening! During the first months of the escape/ search phase, we did everything to preserve the link with the missing person, but over time, we realize the irreversibility of her absence and this observation is a real shock! We have the impression of sinking, when we thought that the most difficult was behind us! However the truth is that no, it will not get better with the passage of time - at least for the moment: the destructuring phase seems indeed to be a backward step where we have the impression of suffering even more than start! We should not worry, however: it is the normal evolution of the grieving process which, let us remember, is not a linear logic.
- The depressed experience
The feeling of depression is the heart of the suffering of this third phase of mourning. It is even the most difficult time of all the way of mourning. This depressed time really gives the impression that life has lost its flavour forever and that there is nothing left but to drag on like this from year to year.
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What is essential to understand is that as painful as it may be, this depressed experience signals the normal and natural course of mourning.
- Depressed experience and clinical depression. An important distinction is nevertheless necessary; "a depressed experience during mourning does not mean" clinical depression ", the latter being a complication of the normal process. The difference between the two is often difficult to establish because" depressed experience "and" depression "are part of the same psychic continuum and this confusion is the source of medication prescriptions that are mostly inappropriate.
There are no unambiguous answers to the question "When to take an antidepressant?" because every situation is unique.
In all cases, the prescribing physician must use common sense. He must analyze the whole situation: the circumstances of death, the history of depression, the quality of the bereavement support network, etc. Systematic prescription of medication is not justified in the case of grief not complicated by clinical depression.
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There are not a lot of data on the effect of antidepressants during bereavement. Some claim that they slow down or even inhibit the process, but that it reappears even more when they stop. It is known, however, that some people in mourning on antidepressants describe difficulties in fully experiencing the emotions of mourning: "I can't cry when I feel that it would do me good. I feel far from my pain and I can't approach it! " In this case and faced with such a weakening of the natural emotions of mourning, the antidepressant can be an obstacle rather than an aid.
It is obvious that the antidepressant will have a positive effect on the depressed experience of a grieving person (since the depressed experience and depression have common areas). However, the danger is to over-medicalize a process that does not in itself need to be. What is to be avoided is the systematic prescription of an antidepressant from the earliest stages of mourning (at the time of a funeral, for example), when, if need be, an anxiolytic is more appropriate. The difficulty for the doctor is that once the antidepressant is prescribed, the patient will often refuse to stop it because he will fear being overwhelmed by the pain. This could lead to an unnecessary renewal of a prescription for years, even though it was not initially justified.
We must not fall into the other extreme, which would be to refuse any antidepressant to a suffering person because they do not meet all the criteria for clinical depression!
In all cases, if there is a prescription for a drug, this must be done as part of a "strategic" approach which integrates the prescription into a comprehensive approach to managing bereavement.
In all cases, if there is a prescription for a drug, this must be done as part of a "strategic" approach which integrates the prescription into a comprehensive approach to managing bereavement.
The first component of this approach is welcoming speech, attentive and repeated listening to this painful heart. It means giving full space to the work of mourning and to the expression of the emotions that are its fabric. If the antidepressant makes possible or accompanies this verbalization of the sadness, then it fulfills its function; it is a tool in the panoply of aids available for those in mourning, without becoming an end in itself.
- The suicidal temptation. Is it true that the bereaved loved ones of a suicide victim are more likely to kill themselves? Studies seem to say yes. However, one must be careful with the words: "potential risk" does not mean "inevitable fate".
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It is important here to include in our reflection what is called "suicidal equivalents": without being authentic suicide attempts, these behaviors have the same meaning nonetheless. These are all so-called "risky" attitudes where you put yourself in danger, on any level whatsoever: physically, psychologically, socially, professionally ... It is an unconscious desire to " let go of the ramp ", to end it as quickly as possible in order to put an end to a life that has lost its meaning and its value. They have the same meaning as real suicide attempts.
- Understanding the risk of suicide
* Stop suffering: This is the first - and often the only - motivation. Death is seen as the only way to end suffering. We then understand what led to the suicide of the person we loved: we are experiencing the same distress today; we feel animated by the same determination ...
* "The drop of water that overflows the vase". Another hypothesis is that the suicide of the loved one is, in fact, "the drop of water that overflows the vase" because it occurs in a family or personal context already in crisis at the time of suicide: it ends up destabilizing an internal balance made already very precarious either by illness (physical or mental), or by previous mourning, or even by serious relational conflicts. The initial suicide and the pain that ensues are then only the spark that sets fire to the powder, to the point that some grieving loved ones take the path of self-destruction.
* Find the missing person. The first days of mourning were characterized by the irrepressible desire to preserve the bond with the missing person. Everything is good for achieving this objective: wear her clothes, cover all the walls of the house with her photos, do not touch anything in her room and in this way preserve her presence, talk about her again and again.
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You have to be very careful with yourself if you feel drawn in such a direction. Incidentally, since suicidal desire is often real, it is wise not to have near you a means of acting out impulsively.
- The dynamics of the destructuring phase. In view of the above, you might have the impression that the destructuring phase is only depressive. This is, of course, false: we have dealt with guilt and anger in separate chapters, but we also find them during this third stage of mourning. They also contribute greatly to the depressed experience.
It would be equally wrong to believe that this phase is only suffering: it is also punctuated by respite times when the pain becomes less severe. The inner feeling evolves according to certain dates in the calendar which, each year since death, take on a particular meaning and coloring: holidays, end-of-year celebrations, birthdays ... each date being capable of reactivating painful memories.
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When you are better, you have to "capitalize" on this time of calm, enjoying it as much as possible; when things are bad, you have to root yourself in the idea that this time of suffering is transitory, like everything else in the process ...
The length and intensity of the destructuring phase vary widely from one individual to another, but we can say that it is anyway calculated in years. Very gradually, the moments of peace and openness take precedence over the moments of deep distress, until the relationship is reversed and finally the moments of interior reconstruction predominate.
RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS
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Mourning is an inner journey that cannot be dissociated from the eyes of others. Like it or not, this look contributes to the way of experiencing grief, even if we say we are freed from what people think.
When suicide occurs, the eyes of others take on a heaviness that we wanted to avoid. Here we can see the legacy of the past: for many centuries suicide was punished by law. Those who attempted to commit suicide were brought to justice, incurring prison terms or corporal punishment. If there was indeed suicide, the deceased was posthumously excommunicated and deprived of religious burial. His relatives also suffered the consequences of his act: they saw themselves dispossessed of the deceased's property and had to undergo the yoke of social stigma.
Mentalities have changed and it is true that today the impact of suicide on the bereaved family is no longer as heavy socially, but a certain level of social reprobation persists in the collective unconscious. These "leftovers" can influence the interior experience.
- When the relationship with others hurts. The almost general observation of people in mourning after suicide is unanimous: the attitude of others towards them changes, irremediably, for better or for worse
The worst is to read the fear, fear or avoidance in the eyes of those we meet. Nothing is said, but it's just like.
The worst is to read the fear, fear or avoidance in the eyes of those we meet. Nothing is said, but it's just like.
Even if most of the time it is embarrassment that governs these avoidance reactions, the fact remains that they are so violent that it is difficult to calm them down. In fact, deprived of social benchmarks on how to behave towards someone bereaved by suicide, people feel helpless and some take advantage of the escape. Sometimes a certain malevolence unfortunately sets in and, by hearsay, we receive its roundabout echo: it is painful, for example, to learn, during a conversation, that such and such a person considers that we "wear bad luck" and therefore prefer to keep us at a distance. The shock is hard to take.
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Another characteristic of this bereavement is that it is indeed surprising to note that suicide seems to authorize others to ask questions or make comments that it would not allow itself in other circumstances.
To a higher degree, "unhappy" words become unbearable when they are colored with value judgments on the act itself or on the deceased person: "He did not think of you!" "What a misfortune your son has wasted your life!" "My poor darling, but what have you done to deserve this?" "Fortunately you have other children!" We don't need to hear such words. Certainly, there is the desire to "shake" the grieving person, in the hope of making them react positively, but the result is not at all what was expected! These comments and attitudes of others find in the bereaved person a particular echo, especially since the guilt already does its undermining work.
- "I am ashamed". Shame can be part of the grief process after suicide. Just like anger or guilt, it is of course not compulsory and many will never experience it; but, if it does, it constitutes an additional burden and a significant anchor to the grief of mourning.
The feeling of shame emerges when we show others a degraded self-image and devalue compared to that which we would like to give. Shame is therefore directly linked to self-image and the way we think we are perceived by others. It results from the conviction of being seen by others in a negative way. We only have one desire: to hide! While the guilt refers to a "fault" that one would have committed, but which would not necessarily include the totality of the person, the shame goes further: it deeply questions the person as in general. In this regard, shame is psychologically more harmful than guilt.
- The dangers of projection
Sometimes there is no ambiguity: one is very directly the target of the judgment of others; the sentence is explicit.
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| Liam Dickinson |
In other circumstances, however, it is much less clear: you feel judged, but nothing says that you really are. This is where the psychic mechanism of projection comes into play again. Remember: projection is "thinking for others", giving them thoughts they don't have, everything by being convinced that they actually have the thoughts we lend them (in the present case, we attribute to others thoughts borrowing from criticism or judgment). Now it is not the look of others that is inherently bearer of shame, it is the coloring, or the meaning that we give to this look that causes us to experience, or not, shame. What we don't realize is that, very often, it is we ourselves who subconsciously condemn ourselves! And it is this negative image of ourselves that we project on others.
The following example illustrates this dynamic: "Here is a mother whose first child has committed suicide. Over time, she finds that the other parents entrust her less and less with their own children to come play on Wednesdays with her youngest child. Convinced herself that she was a bad mother because her eldest daughter committed suicide (unconscious starting point of her projection), she comes to the (erroneous) conclusion that the other parents consider her unable to take care of a child since her own daughter has killed herself! She experiences silence, shame and anger.
Months later, a parent confided to him that after the death of the child, he no longer dared to send his own daughter to him, for fear that his presence would reactivate her, the pain of having lost a child.
Months later, a parent confided to her that after the death of the child, he no longer dared to send his own daughter to him, for fear that his presence would reactivate her, the pain of having lost a child. Another parent explains that she did not want to be intrusive by imposing on her the burden of too many children: "I thought that you needed calm and solitude, but that you did not dare to tell us!"
This mother was not mistaken when she saw that the other parents no longer entrusted their children to her, but it was her interpretation that was false: in the end, nobody condemned her, if not herself! Not questioning the impertinence of her interpretation, this mother was convinced that the others excluded her when they were only trying to preserve her!
This mother was not mistaken when she saw that the other parents no longer entrusted their children to her, but it was her interpretation that was false: in the end, nobody condemned her, if not herself! Not questioning the impertinence of her interpretation, this mother was convinced that the others excluded her when they were only trying to preserve her!
- "Negative cognitions"
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As with anger and guilt, it is by identifying negative cognitions that one succeeds in questioning their relevance and their influence on oneself. When they become more aware, one can actively work to reduce the negative impact in their everyday life.
"My loved one was psychologically fragile, so I am fragile myself". The idea that only "mad" or psychologically unstable people commit suicide can insidiously induce, in itself, the notion that one is potentially fragile oneself. We fear that others will think the same.
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"There is a defect in the family" In the continuation of the previous negative cognition, it is the entire family circle which is perceived there negatively: "We are failing; our family is marked with a hot iron". For some loved ones, suicide is experienced as a humiliation which throws disgrace and dishonor on the whole family.
"I lack judgment and discernment. I am not a reliable person". We are there saying that we are not reliable and that it may not be careful to trust each other or let others trust us. We question the relevance of his choices: how could I have been so blatantly wrong in my choice of partner? If I am capable of such poor discernment, what image of me does this convey to others? From there arises the fear and / or shame of being perceived as someone whose judgment or intelligence are questioned.
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"I am forever different from others". Shame can also come from the simple feeling of no longer being "like the others". Feeling different can lead to self-exclusion, shame whispering slyly in the ear that one does not deserve the help of others: withdrawal is one of the risks of such cognition. It is precisely this distancing from others that is worrying because, in doing so, we cut ourselves off from our support network: we do not give a sign of life, we no longer answer telephone messages and, consequently, relatives call less and less, which can be paradoxically experienced as abandonment, when you yourself are the cause of disaffection. If we don't pay attention to it, we create the conditions that stand in the way of the aid we so really need.
- Face the shame
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Shame is nourished by secret and by everything we want to hide. Wouldn't one way of stopping this feeling of shame be to break the silence and manage to explicitly name suicide?
Death propels the intimacy of loved ones on the public highway, in the eyes of all, and it is legitimate to wish to preserve this suffering there. In any case, we have no account to give to others. Of course, we know that it is important to talk about what we are experiencing; but the reality of suicide taking a long time to really take root in itself, it is likely that before long words will not come by what they are quite simply impossible to pronounce. You should never forget that when you tell someone that someone has committed suicide, you say it to yourself first. It is therefore necessary to go at your own rhythm. Naming suicide makes it real as much in the eyes of others as in yourself. Keep silent for a moment about suicide is therefore understandable.
It is therefore very important that you feel that you have the choice to speak about suicide or not. You are the only judge of what is appropriate at a given time, even if it means going back on what you said initially, when things are clearer for you.
Death propels the intimacy of loved ones on the public highway, in the eyes of all, and it is legitimate to wish to preserve this suffering there. In any case, we have no account to give to others. Of course, we know that it is important to talk about what we are experiencing; but the reality of suicide taking a long time to really take root in itself, it is likely that before long words will not come by what they are quite simply impossible to pronounce. You should never forget that when you tell someone that someone has committed suicide, you say it to yourself first. It is therefore necessary to go at your own rhythm. Naming suicide makes it real as much in the eyes of others as in yourself. Keep silent for a moment about suicide is therefore understandable.
It is therefore very important that you feel that you have the choice to speak about suicide or not. You are the only judge of what is appropriate at a given time, even if it means going back on what you said initially, when things are clearer for you.
- Deny suicide
Denial is a way to protect yourself from emotions. By converting the event into an accident or any other non-voluntary cause, relatives create the conditions so as not to have to question the reason for the death.
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| Monica Loya |
However, even if this attitude is protective on the court term, it often proves to be harmful in the long term, because it is clear that instead of reducing the experience of suffering, denial puts loved ones in mourning offset with their reality, and this emotional block is in contradiction with the harmonious course of the mourning process. In addition, things get complicated if this denial is intentional: we adopt as ultimate truth a truncated version of reality where death is no longer secondary to a suicidal gesture. This vision becomes the official version on which it will then be impossible to return. If, moreover, a tacit consensus is forged with other relatives who share this same vision, it builds a colossal unspoken within the family and / or those around them. This is the genesis of certain family secrets.
Finally, we must not forget either that the conscious choice of denial of suicide in the "official" speech can meet legitimate requirements, we seek, for example, to protect the memory of the missing person, for fear that the other judge or condemn it. One may also wish not to make one's own family vulnerable by exposing them to everyone's eyes as "dysfunctional", a family that is questionable because it is the place where such tragedies can occur. It remains to be seen, afterwards, how secrecy is managed within the family.
- Speak to advance
All of the above highlights how ambiguous it is to explicitly name suicide. And yet, the work of mourning essentially involves words and confrontation with reality.
This work implies whether we like it or not, to confront the set of all our emotions, of all our feelings. When the denial is too powerful, something is not "done", a gray area persists ...
Thus, in spite of the "good" reasons invoked to justify denial of suicide, it is possible that one then creates for oneself more problems than one solves them. Only the courageous and painful acceptance of the reality of suicide and the emotions it generates lays the foundations for a path of mourning that gives itself the chance to move forward.
This work implies whether we like it or not, to confront the set of all our emotions, of all our feelings. When the denial is too powerful, something is not "done", a gray area persists ...
Thus, in spite of the "good" reasons invoked to justify denial of suicide, it is possible that one then creates for oneself more problems than one solves them. Only the courageous and painful acceptance of the reality of suicide and the emotions it generates lays the foundations for a path of mourning that gives itself the chance to move forward.
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- How to talk about suicide to a child?
It is something in the air that he captures. He may have very strong suspicions about the possibility of suicide, but as nothing is said to him, he is silent.
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Tell the truth about what happened: this is the key word, but there is no urgency to do so. It is important that adults consult together before speaking to the child, in order to agree on a discourse that does not disguise reality, but which gives the child time to gradually integrate the impact of the death. It is unnecessary to dwell on the details, but care should be taken to give the child explanations that are clear enough for him to understand the situation. Again, there is no hurry. The adults who talk to him must also have had time to amortize the news of the suicide. If it's too difficult for them to name it immediately, it's best to wait, promising to come back to it later, when you're ready.
When talking to young children, it should come as no surprise that you have to come back to the same explanations several times, even if you are convinced that you were clear the first time: the ability to integrate such data doesn’t is not the same in adults and in children. The information will only take place in him by small successive touches. Even if the child does not understand everything immediately, we have, at least, initiated the dialogue and laid the foundations that will allow more precise questions later (sometimes years later!) We must be ready! When the child receives the signal from the adult that it is possible to speak, he responds to it, asking him very directly for the answers he needs.
We may be surprised at the child's ability to respond in an appropriatly to the situation, insofar as it is given the opportunity. The main thing is to always stay alert to what he feels and the best way to know is to ask him explicitly!
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Parents' desire to speak to their children can be sincere, but the latter must accept it, which is far from obvious, especially for teenagers. They sometimes set limits to dialogue, without possible negotiation. Some indeed choose silence to metabolize their pain and the adult will be forced to accept this position before which he can do nothing.
The only alternative for adults is to remain as open and available as possible, while reminding the child that there are other people (professionals or not) with whom he can speak, if he feels the need. Experience has shown that nothing remains fixed forever.
Grief is a long-term job: getting to speak the truth takes time, especially after suicide; it takes a lot of patience ...
- When others do good. Mourning is intrinsically a path of loneliness. Even those who care most about you are unable to access the privacy of your sentence. As strong as their love and desire to help you may be, you are left alone with your pain.
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However, as in any ordeal of life, we need fellow travelers to walk alongside us. We are human beings interdependent on each other, and we can find comfort with others, even if it is we who have to do most of the work: it is in this that they can really make us good.
- To be helped and to help oneself
Others have the power to reassure and help to take a step back when you get lost in the maze of suffering and guilt.
Having said that, asking for help is not necessarily easy and it is all the more difficult after the suicide of a loved one.
The weight of guilt is sometimes such that one does not feel worthy to knock on the door of those who could bring comfort. We may feel that we do not "deserve" this assistance; we tell ourselves that we are not entitled to it after all these mistakes and faults of the past.
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It is also a question of self-esteem; we invoke the modesty of unpacking his pain or the concern not to disturb others by a suffering that would make him uncomfortable.
Similarly, if we are used to manage on your own, we can fear that the help of others will become too invasive.
All this reluctance translates a great ambivalence towards the proposed aid: we feel that we need it but when it comes, we do not necessarily make ourselves available to receive it ...
This ambivalence is normal and it is important to understand the basis. We don't want this mourning! However, the simple fact that others offer their support is the implicit reminder of a situation whose reality we refuse: we can feel irritated, even attacked, by the help of others because it refers to the drama that we are living. We would prefer not to need anyone because it would mean that no misfortune has befallen on us!
- Name your emotions
Yes, but who to talk to?
Apart from having recourse to a professional psychiatrist as part of a "bereavement follow-up", it is true that informal support from loved ones remains the most often requested outside help. It can be more than enough to rebuild over time. However, your own experience has certainly shown that the help of others tends to run out of steam over time. After some times, everyone returns to the routine of their own life and "forgets" that mourning is not a matter of a few months ...
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| By Nevess |
This defection of loved ones unfortunately coincides with the start of the destructuring phase and it increases the feeling of loneliness and isolation that characterizes this stage of mourning. It is at this point that it is useful to call on other external resources.
In the case of suicide, there are privileged places where a voice around suicide remains possible: it is the associations of mourners and the support groups that they offer.
In this group of words, listening to others, sharing an experience that echoes in oneself allows you to realize the universality of your own feelings. This is called "echo-resonance": the fact that a word emanating from others echoes and mirrors his personal problem. It is a way of creating in itself a salutary breach in the compact edifice of suffering: if I am able to perceive, in others, the flaws of his shame or his guilt, I may be better able to throw a a critical look at my own guilt. If I am able to put into perspective the relevance of his judgment on himself, could I not do the same for me?
- Take care of yourself. After the suicide of a loved one, the trap to avoid is forgetting or abandoning yourself, at all levels. This involves taking into account the size of the body.
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The body also becomes the place of projection of all anxieties. Great vigilance is essential, even though the depressed experience of mourning leads rather to neglect it: anything that does good to the body can contribute to mental well-being - quality sleep and food, minimal exercise physical, all treatments such as massages, acupuncture, shiatsu ... If you do not have the courage to go alone to the swimming pool or simply to go out walking in the countryside, ask your friends: this type of help is just as effective as a long conversation in the sometimes confined atmosphere of a house.
In the same way, we know that bereavement places people at greater risk of excessive alcohol or other drug use. You have to be able to differentiate between the small glass and a consumption which gradually and imperceptibly escapes all control, to the point of inducing a real dependence. Excessive use of alcohol (or other drugs) can be an indirect sign of depression that would be important to diagnose and treat otherwise.
In the same idea, we must be particularly vigilant to the risk of suicide (which is more frequent during bereavement after suicide). Whether it's "suicidal equivalents" where you put yourself more or less consciously in danger (drunk driving, playing a high-risk sport ...) or authentic suicide attempts, it is essential to become aware of what we are doing and to remedy, as quickly as possible, this dangerous drift where we have everything to lose.
- "Reconnect" to yourself and the world
Mourning, and especially mourning after suicide, "disconnects", and the work of mourning also consists in reconnecting to oneself and to the world. In fact, suicide has destroyed many of the landmarks in your life. This often results in a feeling of floating, of unreality, where nothing seems to touch you anymore. Everything is neutral, flat, without relief. In the extreme, we speak of "dissociation", a lived experience of inner disconnection where we feel totally foreign to our own life. It is necessary to re-establish the link.
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Nature, for example, has the power to readjust to the rhythms of life. Take the time to stop, to look, to smell, to open your body and your senses to the color of the leaves, the freshness of the wind, the smell of spray, the cold of the snow ... Open your senses will also open your heart: tears, sobs will also rise to the surface. Let it come: welcome your grief as a friend rather than an enemy. This meditation will help you calm, for a moment, the frenzy of everyday life; it will invite you to take into account the things around you, letting you discover what is good for you.
It is also good to feed on what others have written about bereavement and loss in the broad sense. Whether novels, testimonies, poetry or philosophy ... The punishment is universal, just like the questions on life and death and on the meaning of things; they led to writing pages of rare wisdom or infinite depth. There are words that are meant for you and that will do you good, words that will mark you forever and that will accompany you throughout your life.
LIFE ... AFTER
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The weeks have passed, then the months, then the years ... Confronted with an inextricable and throbbing pain, you have finally resigned yourself. With the famous "passing time" you have managed to welcome in you the mind-blowing reality of the death of this person, even if the word "suicide" keeps all its violence. But it is possible today to tell you that it has indeed disappeared and that you yourself still belong to the world of the living. Certainly, but it is still very frail. Sometimes it only takes a moment of loneliness or a moment of trouble in a cheerful crowd for life to once again seems completely empty and meaningless. Fearsome moments persist of crossing the desert where you again feel like the interior is out, drifting, continuing to live because you don't know what else to do. On these days, it seems inconceivable that it could ever be otherwise.
- And yet ... From the depths of your being "something" is happening, "something is becoming". It is imperceptible at first and sometimes so subtle that it will take time before you notice it. You will discover it at the turn of a word or a thought. It's as tenuous as a morning when, unlike other days, the heart seems a little less tight, a little less heavy. You hardly dare to taste it that it disappears ...
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However, fleeting as it may be, this moment leaves in its wake the undeniable perfume of something new, fresh, like the echo of a promise that you have not yet been able to formulate. But you will no longer be able to pretend that nothing had happened ... At the beginning you will not want to believe it, the grip of guilt or depression will be even stronger. But there it is: an invitation to believe that life can be something other than this torrent of suffering that has been luging you for too long.
You don't believe it, do you? You tell yourself that you will never get there, if only to consider getting out of this labyrinth. Remember, however: you had no control over the course of the previous stages of mourning, they imposed themselves on you, without leaving you the choice. It will be the same for this new stage of your mourning. It does not mean in any way that you are going to drop the past and "turn the page", no: while preserving what is important from your past history, it will gradually create in you the conditions for another vision of yourself. Other perspectives then become possible. This final time of mourning is what is called "the restructuring phase".
- The restructuring phase So, where are we four years, eight years, ten years after the suicide? What becomes of it when mourning no longer occupies every moment of our life? How are we rebuilding?
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The restructuring phase corresponds to a time to develop new interior and exterior benchmarks. While consolidating those that already exist. It is important to emphasize at the outset that "restructuring" unfortunately does not necessarily mean "harmonious restructuring". The truth is that everyone rebuilds with the "bricks" at their disposal, these "bricks" being the fruit of our past, our culture, our education, our defense mechanisms against stress, our social skills, etc. .
- Mourning ... of mourning? As strange as it may seem, it is not so easy to "leave mourning" because mourning has accompanied every moment of your existence for years, over time, and against all odds, you are like "used to it" to this inner experience.
Since death, it has been evolving quietly and you have almost resolved to live with it until the end of your days. Paradoxically, you have found landmarks in your daily life there.
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Yes ... So, despite your doubts and the fact that this prospect upsets or disturbs you, you feel good that at the same time, you no longer have a real choice: life is pressing in you to resume its rights. It is not others who are pushing you, this movement comes from the inside, even if you are not completely in agreement, nor quite ready.
A question arises thus: "do I have the right to answer this call?" Guilt is still present and this proposal to return to life sometimes conveys a vague feeling of unworthiness or even treason towards the deceased. We are afraid of "forgetting" him if we return to life, even if we remember those days when we did not think of her, without feeling as guilty as it used to be ... There is a kind sadness in this observation, a sort of deaf nostalgia that you do not explain. Know that this questioning is part of the process: this is called "mourning after mourning".
- A time of adjustment. We do not go from one stage to another overnight! In fact, it is often two steps back, for three steps forward.
The restructuring phase can be understood as a time when you find yourself, your place in the world. It also corresponds to a time of redefinition of its relation to the disappeared person, redefinition compared to others and of its relation to oneself. It is on these new foundations that the slow self-reconstruction is based.
- Redefine your relationship with the missing person. You have put away the letters and the photos; you have sorted, given, kept some clothes, some objects. You have also given up many other things: vain hopes, vain questions. And yet, far from losing the link, do you not feel that another intimacy, another quality of presence, is established in this missing person, beyond his absence?
This other level of relationship is reflected, for example, in the gradual return to positive memories of the past, in contrast to the only traumatic or negative images of the early days of mourning.
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- Redefine one's relationship with others. The path of suffering is strange.
At the beginning, it imposes itself on you with such intensity that it is impossible to think of anything else. Then time sets to work and works in silence. We discover a texture of oneself that we may not have known until then; we gradually realize that this flood of suffering has dug in itself gorges and valleys where can be revealed an ability to do something of the pain of yesteryear.
As much as we were previously focused on our pain, we are now able to go beyond it, in an interior movement in which others take another place. Certainly, we keep the memory of all those people who hurt when we hurt, who were so clumsy or indifferent when we needed comfort, just as we remember those who showed infinite tenderness.
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This time of mourning opens the possibility of perceiving now what we were blind or indifferent to in the past. We are left with the possibility of acting accordingly, according to our desire and our means.
However, do not fall into guilt if you do not feel anything like this! This internal journey is a possible evolution during the restructuring phase, but it obviously does not constitute a compulsory course!
In any case, the last stage of mourning invites you to pacify your relationship with others. Something new is happening in you, something that has to do with your legitimacy to exist in this world.
In any case, the last stage of mourning invites you to pacify your relationship with others. Something new is happening in you, something that has to do with your legitimacy to exist in this world.
- What am I becoming? You have certainly asked yourself this question a thousand times. It talks about redefining your relationship to yourself, while the last echoes of your yesterday's pain are distilled within you. This question is certainly not without some concern. It is understandable because, in light of all that you have just experienced, how could it be that nothing changes in you?
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However, we have never stopped saying that things can also move in the right direction after the suicide of a loved one. You can wholeheartedly trust these thousands of people who have gone through the same thing as you and who tell you today, knowingly, that you can aspire to happiness and peace.
Know it: whatever the mourning, there is, in each human being, an alienable potential of resilience. Resilience is the ability to do something positive from a destructive life test, it is the innate attitude of each being to get up and raise their head, when the adverse circumstances have thrown them to the ground . It's in you, it's your birthright.
We must accept that this death will transform us forever, but without ever forgetting that we always have the choice to become who we want to be. Either we make the decision to become someone better, doing the best we can to keep moving forward, or we lock ourselves in our misfortune and it doesn't get anywhere.
We must accept that this death will transform us forever, but without ever forgetting that we always have the choice to become who we want to be. Either we make the decision to become someone better, doing the best we can to keep moving forward, or we lock ourselves in our misfortune and it doesn't get anywhere.
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Nothing will be as before. We will have to assume this state of affairs, for better and for worse; but that's where the seeds of your life to come are found. Now you need to make room for what can potentially flourish in you. If you are afraid of not doing it alone, it is legitimate to get help, so that you can "boost" your self-confidence.
Now comes the time when you must learn to dare: dare to open up to what mourning has taught you about yourself and others; dare to break out of the limitations of your old life; dare to give yourself the chance to aspire to happiness again; dare to change; dare to take the risk of being all that you can be ...
Pay attention to what is going on inside you, to all these inner changes which, imperceptibly, will shape your future. Nice surprises can be revealed to you.
There are decisions that you will no longer make, choices that will no longer arise, options that will lose their relevance, anxieties or worries that you will look at with distance and fun ...
Pay attention to what is going on inside you, to all these inner changes which, imperceptibly, will shape your future. Nice surprises can be revealed to you.
There are decisions that you will no longer make, choices that will no longer arise, options that will lose their relevance, anxieties or worries that you will look at with distance and fun ...
Look, listen, be vigilant over the years and put all your energy into accompanying these changes in your being. Whether these changes of perspective are called wisdom or maturity, they mark a turning point in the way you exist in the world. There is everything to gain, you have everything to gain ...
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With your body defending, his gesture has projected you on a path of suffering that has surpassed anything that you may have known before !
You struggled to understand what drew him to its destruction and, even today, you are left with so many unanswered questions! However, you agreed not to have a definitive answer, when this idea was intolerable in the past; you have accepted that you have been able to live with someone you love and yet you only partially understand.
Part of his mystery remains and will remain forever inaccessible and you have made peace with this reality ...
Tired, you have found the strength to pick up one after the other, the scattered pieces of your broken life and, deep down, something stronger than death has made the decision to continue.
You struggled to understand what drew him to its destruction and, even today, you are left with so many unanswered questions! However, you agreed not to have a definitive answer, when this idea was intolerable in the past; you have accepted that you have been able to live with someone you love and yet you only partially understand.
Part of his mystery remains and will remain forever inaccessible and you have made peace with this reality ...
Tired, you have found the strength to pick up one after the other, the scattered pieces of your broken life and, deep down, something stronger than death has made the decision to continue.
Suicide doesn't sum up the life of the person you lost; what it was fundamentally goes far beyond, doesn't it? So please don't let your mourning sum up the rest of your life: you are much more than that, you too.
Suicide has already stolen this person's life from you; do not let it in addition, you steal yours! Don't let it win again! If you let suicide win by abandoning yourself, you agree with it and you validate the death of this person ...
So be fully what you must be now, with your wounds and your scars, but also with all the living forces of your being.
Suicide has already stolen this person's life from you; do not let it in addition, you steal yours! Don't let it win again! If you let suicide win by abandoning yourself, you agree with it and you validate the death of this person ...
So be fully what you must be now, with your wounds and your scars, but also with all the living forces of your being.
You did not want this death, but the way to react to it is your prerogative. So, in this way, you will make your rediscovered life a testimony of resilience and a tribute to your child, your spouse, your parent, your friend, beyond suffering that led him to leave this life. You will honor his memory by what you do today with your own life.
A big thank you to Doctor Christophe FAURE for this book so helpful for a complex subject and still far too taboo.
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"Life anyway "- Élisabeth and Éric de Gentil-Baichis -
(French book -Editions Chronique Sociale - February 2013 - ISBN 978-2-85008-980-0)
(French book -Editions Chronique Sociale - February 2013 - ISBN 978-2-85008-980-0)
Camille, 15, a schoolgirl in Nantes, hanged herself in 2010. Standing, after her suicide, her parents Eric and Elisabeth Gentil-Baichis testify to their journey through the book they wrote: "Life anyway" .
A beautiful testimony of love, of life, beyond death, of this doubly particular death, that of her child, by suicide ... This work is a precious help for parents who are experiencing the same drama.
- Break the taboo
With this book, we want to testify without complacency of our long crossing of the desert, then of our return among the living. Our wish is twofold: to speak openly about adolescent suicide, what we understand, the death of a child and the parents' journey.
For us, this event was so unexpected. We felt very distant from these dramas. We realized the taboo in our society, in National Education. We never hid what had happened. We have found that it has freed speech around us.
- Watch death
It would be necessary to relearn so much, in our society, to live this time of farewell. If Camille's body had gone to the funeral home right away, our life would be different today.
We were fortunate enough to keep Camille at home for 48 hours. She was very beautiful ... Learning about death, getting as close as possible so as not to be afraid of it.
After the death of our daughter, we leave the "real" world. Food no longer tastes, we no longer feel our steps, nothing makes sense ...
Our three other children no longer interest us. We do not see them anymore. After what had happened, we no longer had the right to be a parent.
- Respect its mystery
We have searched in all directions. Her suicide will remain a mystery. We respect it today. Guilt, we necessarily feel it.
Speech must be allowed to arise. We were accompanied by three shrinks, in pairs then each on our side.
We obviously revisited each day, each hour, each minute of January, looking for a clue, a detail that we would have missed. We remembered that evening, ten days before her death, when it had seemed so different to us. Unrecognizable in her words and in her way of being.
If only Camille had stayed in this state, we would have helped her. We would have gone to see professionals if we had realized that we were not the right interlocutors. But the next day, that pallid face and this hard attitude had disappeared. Why did we not keep this idea in mind: it will go crazy?
- Accept suffering
Life will never be the same again ... But we are fine, even very well, we are standing.
Several reasons for this: we are very surrounded and we agreed to dive very low by looking our suffering in the face. By diving, withdrawn, you give yourself time to be alone with your pain.
Élisabeth de Gentil-Baichis: "At first, I spent my days in Camille's room, curled up, crying, screaming. I went to the cemetery every day. I wanted to be with her, physically and morally. I wrote a lot. Everything about Camille helped me live, to say "don't forget her." It reassured me. One day, I understood that my daughter would never be forgotten. . I could go on. "
Éric de Gentil-Baichis: "A few days after his disappearance, I remember that getting out of bed had required an incredible effort. From that moment, I decided to continue living. This act conditioned my and our future. I had chosen my side, that of life. "
- Allow yourself to live
We live with a thorn in the heart but we allow ourselves to live. Our journey allowed us to tackle death, distress, relationships with others, solidarity and the spiritual dimension.
We are no longer in a guilt that prevents us from living, raising our children, believing in it.
Éric de Gentil-Baichis: "How can I give meaning, transcend this drama to make something of it? I wanted to be a prison visitor ten years ago. I became one."
Élisabeth de Gentil-Baichis: "We know that everything can stop overnight. Three weeks after Camille's departure, we repainted her room, which has become a music room. Camille was doing the flute. There is now a battery, a keyboard, on which her brothers and her sister repeat. "
According to the testimony collected by Magali GRANDET on February 8, 2013, published on the Facebook page of "JP29 SANS TOI MON ENFANT".
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Breach of contract
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"[...] Just tell the humans on Earth that never, never will they be alone.
If sometimes they lock themselves in a cloud of solitude, let them know that around them, beings they do not see, that they do not hear, help them and love them. "
"[...] he forgot to love himself and accept from life what he couldn't change."
"[...] Accept what is and let everyone follow their path without feeling guilty [...]"
If sometimes they lock themselves in a cloud of solitude, let them know that around them, beings they do not see, that they do not hear, help them and love them. "
"[...] he forgot to love himself and accept from life what he couldn't change."
"[...] Accept what is and let everyone follow their path without feeling guilty [...]"
- Anne GIVAUDAN - "The breach of contract"
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Messages from the "suicides" to the world of the "living"
(Extract from the french book
(Extract from the french book
"THE BREAKING OF THE CONTRACT"
- Anne GIVAUDAN - Éditions S.O.I.S - 2006)
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"[...] Many of the" living "wonder how to help us. Tell them that:
"Whatever ways we have stopped our physical life, it is essential that those who remain do not feel guilty about our death. No being, whatever it is, has enough power to make us act unlike to what we would have liked.
[...] To think that it was events or people outside of us who contributed to our downfall, however, makes no sense even if we believed it ourselves, in the past.
[...] We ask those who have love for us not to suffer for us because this suffering weighs us down and darkens everything around us.
"Whatever ways we have stopped our physical life, it is essential that those who remain do not feel guilty about our death. No being, whatever it is, has enough power to make us act unlike to what we would have liked.
[...] To think that it was events or people outside of us who contributed to our downfall, however, makes no sense even if we believed it ourselves, in the past.
[...] We ask those who have love for us not to suffer for us because this suffering weighs us down and darkens everything around us.
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When you think of us, you who stay on Earth, remember the moments of joy or tenderness that we were able to live together. See the beauty that was ours, that which we could no longer perceive ourselves ...
Speak to us as we speak to a person we love, not to regret our departure or your present difficulty, but to honor the path we have traveled with you.
Do not keep our traces as relics, do not recreate shrines that freeze us in a painful past. Help us to make our journey less painful, not by your actions but by the acceptance and serenity that you will be able to make grow in your hearts.
Accept us fully as we have been, with our strengths and weaknesses. Inevitably will arrive the day of repair on earth and that day, we will be carried by your capacity to transmute the pain that we caused you. "
Accept us fully as we have been, with our strengths and weaknesses. Inevitably will arrive the day of repair on earth and that day, we will be carried by your capacity to transmute the pain that we caused you. "
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Suicide, neither courage nor cowardice ...
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[...] If man sometimes kills himself, unlike plants and animals in which suicide does not exist, it is in order to escape from a tension and suffering that seem unbearable to him.
[...] One of the questions we often ask ourselves about suicide concerns the idea of courage or cowardice. Is suicide an act of daring and bravery or, on the contrary, a gesture of moral and psychological weakness?
This is in reality a false question, in any case very badly formulated and which it is therefore impossible to decide. Courage and cowardice can only qualify a conscious action, freely reflected, decided and accomplished. This approach requires first a lucid appreciation of the situation, a reflection, a choice, as well as a knowledge of the consequences that the planned action would be likely to entail.
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[...] The suicide attempt therefore constitutes a cry of despair and suffering. It should not be analyzed by reference to moral judgments, concepts such as good or evil, bravery or weakness. The depressed seeks to end their life because they have lost their free will, their vital energy, their conscience and their love for themselves. Only the one who is alive has life, who is crossed by desire and love.
Any suicide attempt, which could also be called "self-murder", is an attempt to kill, in a crude, non-symbolic way, something, someone in oneself, a phase of one's life, a certain image self. ... It is not really death that is sought, but peace, non-suffering, non-conflict.
- Moussa NABATI - (psychoanalyst, therapist, researcher, doctor of psychology) -
"Depression, a test to grow up?"
(Éditions Livre de Poche - 13/01/2010 - ISBN: 2253085081)
"Depression, a test to grow up?"
(Éditions Livre de Poche - 13/01/2010 - ISBN: 2253085081)
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When a parent commits suicide
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The feeling of abandonment but also of love, is mixed with anger, misunderstanding and guilt. He wonders how this parent he loved so much could have acted out, why he (she) did not stay alive for him, he imagines that he did not love this enough parent to want him to stay alive, that "if he (she) had known how much we loved him, it never would have happened".
For its part, the parent who commits suicide, in addition to his unbearable suffering, is convinced that he is a burden for those around him. He then perceives his departure as a liberating act for himself and for others. "Leaving" is therefore the best solution. His deep despair isolated him, making him unable to ask for help, sometimes also unable to leave a word to explain his gesture.
No one is aware of the cascading consequences, apart from moral ones, that such an act generates. It is difficult and painful for those who remain to live with lack, misunderstanding, the feeling of abandonment ...
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It is also difficult for those who have been saved to rebuild themselves with the problems of before and the resentment of loved ones (often children) when faced with the idea of abandonment. Relations after such an act are always modified and the reconstruction of each complicated.
It is therefore essential for everyone to evoke what lives in them in order to move forward.
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Living after a loved one's suicide
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The person who dies (even more so in the case of a child or adolescent) is overwhelmed by violent emotions that prevent him from reasoning, any awareness of the consequences of his act at moment it occurs.
She is under the under the emotion of the moment . This moment of unbearable suffering which has to be ended in order to free oneself.
It is therefore vital for loved ones to manage to express all their feelings, all their pain, by crying, shouting, speaking ... and being able to understand, recognize that they are not responsible, that the person who left did not want to, could not tell them his immense suffering to protect them (especially in the case of hypersensitive adolescents).
Everyone will do it in their own way, at their own pace, verbalizing their grief in an exchange with the other (preferably with a professional who can be trusted more than can be done with a loved one) or any other form of support that suits him.
It will then become possible to bring order to the unspeakable chaos where all the benchmarks have been shattered and to begin to walk in questioning and reconstruction.
It will then also be conceivable to give meaning to the pain experienced by continuing to bring to life, sometimes through a cause, but especially in hearts and memories, the loved one who has left.
It is therefore vital for loved ones to manage to express all their feelings, all their pain, by crying, shouting, speaking ... and being able to understand, recognize that they are not responsible, that the person who left did not want to, could not tell them his immense suffering to protect them (especially in the case of hypersensitive adolescents).
Everyone will do it in their own way, at their own pace, verbalizing their grief in an exchange with the other (preferably with a professional who can be trusted more than can be done with a loved one) or any other form of support that suits him.
It will then become possible to bring order to the unspeakable chaos where all the benchmarks have been shattered and to begin to walk in questioning and reconstruction.
It will then also be conceivable to give meaning to the pain experienced by continuing to bring to life, sometimes through a cause, but especially in hearts and memories, the loved one who has left.
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Understanding suicide
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It is an act decided and built little by little with the idea becoming obsessive that it is the only way to end a personal suffering that has become intolerable.
Signs are never easy to detect, especially since the approach of acting out, everything is done to hide it from those around you. This terrible secret will cause misunderstanding, dismay and guilt.
It is for loved ones, a tragedy that hurts them forever.
This is why, it is essential for the entourage which lives such a drama to be able to speak about it in order to evacuate guilt, anger and despair.
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